Let's Dissect 2e's Dragons, Draconomicon Edition - Dracohydra

"Dammit, Middle Head! Quit wandering out of the frame when we're trying to have our picture taken!"

Haha, woowwwwww, I’ve been fucking slow on these posts. So much for them being “cheap and quick to crank out”, huh?

Yep, more Draconomicon 2e good(?)ness!

Dracohydras are hideous, multiheaded winged monsters that combine the worst features of dragons and hydras.

Looking at that picture, I’d have to disagree on the “hideous” part. I’m more concerned with the head in the upper-center of the picture, there; he looks like he’s having trouble breathing.

Let's Dissect 2e's Dragons, Draconomicon Edition - Mercury Dragon

This illustration isn't actually in the book, but it's contemporary, so shush.

Because you knew I had to talk about this book's dragons sooner or later.

Yeah, yeah, I know I still have more of the MM to go, but doing things in this order is just how this dragon rolls, and he'll roll on you if you have a problem with it!

Anyway, without further ado, let’s get a-mockin’!

Mercury dragons are fast, highly-maneuverable creatures with relatively small bodies and long tails.
Their size is listed as “H (25’ base)”, so make what you will of that “relatively”. No indication of how long their tails are, sadly.

Although basically good in alignment, they are very whimsical creatures, making decisions and changing them at the drop of a hat. Their behavior is almost impossible to predict.

You could say they’re… Actually, no, I won’t insult your intelligence with that punchline. I will ask, though: are metallic dragons’ scales supposed to be made of that particular metal? I hope not, because that’ll mean problems for our friend here.

Let's Dissect 2e's Dragons Pride Month Special! - Rainbow Dragon

Hot damn, where to start with this guy. He's pretty much all frills and pointy bits. I feel stabbed just looking at him. Meanwhile, everyone around him is randomly doing the YMCA dance. Maybe he's just providing the lights for a rave?

 Yeah, yeah, talk about waiting until the last minute. But hey, better late than never, right? I can’t think of a better way for this blog to cap off Pride Month than with an extra-gay D&D dragon.

I didn’t think it was possible that any dragon gayer than me or my brother could ever exist, but here we are. And before you say it, yes, I know that tearing this one page from Dragon Magazine #146 is wayyyyy out of order, but guess what?

I’m Paphvul the gay dragon, I shitpost where I wish, and none dare resist!

Behold, the Rainbow Dragon!

This Strawberry Shortcake sumbitch is a real thing that got published in official D&D materials.

And I love him to death.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Brown Dragon

Whoops! Wrong brown dragon.

There we go!

Hey, been a while, hasn’t it?

Well, after we’ve done the Chromatics and Metallics both, you’re probably wondering how many more dergs D&D could possibly have left to throw at us.

As it turns out, D&D’s remarkable tendency to whore out and reiterate a concept until the original luster is long gone doesn’t exclude its titular handsome reptiles. We ain’t scratched the fucking surface of this giant gay lizard iceberg.

And good thing, too, Gosh only knows what would happen if I ran out of quick, easy material to bang out posts about.

The Flight of Dragons Cartoon, Part 1

The Flight of Dragons cartoon is a fascinating hot mess.

Now, to be perfectly clear, I’m going to spoil the entire plot. This essay assumes you’ve seen the film in question, and if you haven’t, go give it a watch! It’s far from perfect, but it’s an interesting enough film that I had to write down my thoughts on it.

To give all this some context, I’ll briefly recap the history of this strange film.

Peter Dickinson had been on a train, looking at the cover of the Earthsea Trilogy, when he wondered how the hell something so big could fly, especially with such little wings. He came up with the same answer then and there that nature had come up with for us millions of years ago back on VolRei: dragons fly using lighter-than-air gas (or just burning said gas, in our case), necessitating our enormous size.

Not quite chubby enough to fly, but what would I know?

Well, he let that idea ferment a little, and came up with a theory for how the dragons presented in folklore might have really existed on Earth. His agent saw the end result, and sent it to a publisher. A few publisher-mandated extra pages later, and we got the speculative evolutionary text known as The Flight of Dragons.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Silver Dragon

I'm certain I've seen this guy on a metal album co- wait, did I already say that? *checks* Not exactly, at least not in THIS series.

Alrighty, Silver Dragon time, here we go!

Silver dragons are kind and helpful. They will cheerfully assist good creatures if their need is genuine. They often take the forms of kindly old men or fair damsels when associating with people.

Silver dragons are known to turn into silver foxes on occasion.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Gold Dragon

I could swear I've seen this guy on the side of some Chinese restaurant.

For some reason, I was under the impression we’d be doing Silvers first, despite this book listing them all in alphabetical order.

Anyway, today we’ll be covering the resident noodle dragons!

Gold dragons are wise, judicious, and benevolent. They often embark on self-appointed quests to promote goodness, and are not easily distracted from them. They hate injustice and foul play.

And, as you can see, it’s every stereotype about Eastern dragons compounded with D&D’s usual crusader shit. Still, it’s nice to have a powerful “good” guy actually being proactive in a setting like this.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Copper Dragon

Doesn’t he just look jolly?

For the record, I’m still working on the rest of the UHoG series, but when you have to write a blog post that’s nothing but a bunch of reviews of dad games, I think you can understand my lack of enthusiasm.

I’m sure there’s an ACAB joke you guys can make, but you’ll want to save it for later. Possibly a lot later, but trust me. It’ll be worth it.

Copper dragons are incorrigible pranksters, joke tellers, and riddlers.
Prankster + D&D 2e = Oh Gosh’s fucking beer gut.

Yes, it’s the “Just a prank, bro!” dragon, in all his glory.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Bronze Dragon

The sexy overbite is sadly marred by the wall-eyed face and weird spiked nostrils.

Bronze dragons are inquisitive and fond of humans and demi-humans.

“Inquisitive” is almost never a good sign, when 2e is involved.

They enjoy polymorphing into small, friendly animals so they can unobtrusively observe humans and demi-humans, especially adventurers.

So, they’re pretty much they’re pretty much the squirrels you see in any given overhead shot of our characters in a forest. No, seriously, look at any of those scenes again; those fuckers? Secretly bronze dragons.

Bronze dragons thrive on simple challenges such as riddles and harmless contests.

Just don’t challenge ‘em to a peeing-for-distance contest. The local wildlife will avoid that place for weeks.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Brass Dragon

The top of this guy’s head looks like either a roast chicken, or a pair of asscheeks.

Awright! And now, we’re FINALLY done with those motherfucking gem dragons. Hope the door didn’t hit ‘em on the way out.

I could take this opportunity to make a joke about this next batch of dragons being “METAL AS FUUUUUUCK”, but given what I know going in, we’ve already left the only dragons who’d fit that description behind.

Brass dragons are great talkers, but not particularly good conversationalists.

As an autistic person, I identify way too goddamned much with that statement.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Topaz Dragon

This thing looks like a weird, malformed bat, from a distance. At least he’s properly tubby, though.

Finally, finally, finally we’re at the last of these fucking gem dragons. Thus far, the gems have occupied a strange middle ground between the unrepentant puppy-kicking Disney villains that are the Chromatics, and the “good” (from self-righteous pricks to irritating asshats that really have no business being exclusively good aligned) Metallics.

Topaz dragons are unfriendly and selfish.

Looks like this guy’s very much leaning towards the “asshole” side of that spectrum.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Sapphire Dragon

You know, one of these days, I'll pick an image size for these things and stick with it. Maybe. Probably not.

Anyway, this guy not only looks emaciated, but he’s also got a bit of what I assume is an acne problem.

Sapphire wasn’t my favorite Pokémon, honestly. The remakes, though, kicked ass.

Kidding aside, after the shitfest that I had to play for my last post, I needed something to detox from all that garbage.

Yes, I’m turning to this for comfort. Despite how much I continually rag on their writing, I actually love the 2e Monster Manual entries so goddamned much. They’re so fucking dumb, they’re endless fun to rip into.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Emerald Dragon

The hell is this guy smiling about? It’s less like the Amethyst’s “smug asshole” smile, and more like “I’m going to flay you alive and turn your skin into a jacket”.

They wanna play with mah ehmowuld? They playin' with the wrong guy! I wanted to make a joke about them being Chaotic Emeralds, but the spoilsports who wrote this made them Lawful. Boo.

Anyway, turns out I made a massive miscalculation in my NaNoWriMo wordcount, and realized I actually had way more done than I thought. Meaning, I had way more time to actually write this. And since I pop these babies out faster than EA popped out Madden sequels, this’ll be a cinch.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Crystal Dragon

Well, Halloween has come and gone, and now we’re left with the rest of the Gem Dragons to cover.

Hopefully, the Amethyst dragon was the worst of them.

Crystal dragons are the friendliest of the gem dragons, always curious about the world. Though they seldom seek out company, they willingly converse with visitors who do not try to steal from them.

Okay, so friendly yet introverted. That’s… a massive step up from the Amethyst. Also, basically just me.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Dracolich

Get your "boner" jokes out the way, kids.

I know what you’re thinking “Paph, why the hell are you suddenly springing the Dracolich on us in the middle of the section on Gem Dragons?”

One, I needed something metal to purge all the bougieness from my system. Two, it’s Halloween, so what better time to bring in this fucker? Three, Dracolich’s entry actually comes before “Dragon, General”, so technically this whole order I’ve been doing things in was a sham from the beginning.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Amethyst

Look at this assclown. This is the face of someone who sniffs his farts and likes it.

What, you thought we’d be getting on to the Metallics, now that the Chromatics are done?

Well, so did I, but the Monstrous Manual had other ideas.

Amethyst dragons are wise and regal, with a detached air, and ignore what they consider to be petty squabbles between good and evil, law and chaos.
“Mmmm, yes, I see. A band of stalwarts out to vanquish Lord Mr. Kill. How trite. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must get back to my readings of Orson. D. Olaf’s Aviagientienusybeleopatiearium Cycle. What, you haven’t heard of it? Of course you haven’t.”

When hatched, amethyst dragons have lavender skin with small scales of a light, translucent purple.
Good grief, they’re so bourgeois that even their underskin isn’t red, it’s lavender.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - White

He looks like he’s wearing a shark mask. Also, this and the blue dragon pic are the most physiologically accurate dragons thus far.

White dragons, the smallest and weakest of the evil dragons, are slow witted but efficient hunters.

Damn, that’s cold. The other entries were quick to write off the other colored dragons as mean, puppy-kicking fucks, but this one flat-out calls them dumb. The black dragon’s page looks flattering by comparison, for frost sake.

They are impulsive, vicious, and animalistic, tending to consider only the needs and emotions of the moment and having no foresight or regret.

So, these guys are actual sociopaths. No, seriously, that fits the definition perfectly. Add a lack of empathy, and it’s right out of a textbook.

Despite their low intelligence, they are as greedy and evil as the other evil dragons.

They really want to ram home the fact that white dragons are so fucking dumb, they get fired from the M&M factory for throwing out the W’s.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Red

This guy looks less like a red scaled dragon, and more like a scaleless with a really bad sunburn.

So, let’s be real about this one.

Red dragons, in D&D, are just Smaug.

There’s really nothing else to it, they’re just Smaug, right down to the fire-breathing, greed, and ego.

After we’ve explored dragons that have the power to control BEES, desert dragons with camouflage that makes more sense than I thought it did (see my amendment to that post), and nature-loving dragons who literally enslave their natural enemies, just plain ol’ Smaug is gonna seem a little dull by comparison.

Red dragons are the most covetous and greedy of all dragons, forever seeking to increase their treasure hoards.

Isn’t that all of us?

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Green

This one kind of looks like a screwed-up crocodile. Not nearly as funny as the 1e illustration I found.

Look at what a happy dork this guy is. "A-hyuck, howdy there, adventurerers! Imma swallow you whole, now!"

So, for this episode, I have a guest! Introducing my bro, Marky.

Marky: Hey, there!

Paph: So, today’s entry is the Green Dragon. Insert your Kermit the Frog jokes now, kiddoes. Let me begin this shitshow.

Green dragons are bad tempered, mean, cruel, and rude.
Paph: What did I tell you about using a thesaurus, writer? You just said the same thing four different ways. It’d be like if I called someone “smelly, odious, stinking, and putrid”.

They hate goodness and good-aligned creatures. They love intrigue and seek to enslave other woodland creatures, killing those who cannot be controlled or intimidated.
Paph: “GRRRR, HOW DARE HE DONATE TO CHARITY AND FEED STARVING ORPHANS! JUST TO MAKE IT WORSE, HE RESOLVED A CONFLICT WITHOUT KILLING A SINGLE PERSON! I NEED LIES AND DEATH TO SUSTAIN ME!” — A Green D&D dragon, aka your average Republican

Marky: Marky approves.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Blue

Alright! It’s time for me to dispel any stereotypes these chucklefucks had about my kind. I guarantee you, no matter what they spout, it’s alllllll gonna be bullshit.

Blue dragons are extremely territorial and voracious.

I mean, I don’t eat that many people, come on.

They love to spend long hours preparing ambushes for herd animals and unwary travelers, and they spend equally long hours dwelling on their success and admiring their trophies.
*looks at his well-polished hoard of handsome males and intruders he’s turned to gold*

Oh, dammit.