Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Blue

Alright! It’s time for me to dispel any stereotypes these chucklefucks had about my kind. I guarantee you, no matter what they spout, it’s alllllll gonna be bullshit.

Blue dragons are extremely territorial and voracious.

I mean, I don’t eat that many people, come on.

They love to spend long hours preparing ambushes for herd animals and unwary travelers, and they spend equally long hours dwelling on their success and admiring their trophies.
*looks at his well-polished hoard of handsome males and intruders he’s turned to gold*

Oh, dammit.

 Look, it's not my fault they happened to be so damned hunky tried to break into my cave!

The size of a blue dragon's scales increases little as the dragon ages, although they do become thicker and harder.
Yeah, that’s about right. Elderly dragons tend to look more like a rock formation than a person. Sadly, I’m still a soft young thing.

The scales vary in color from an iridescent azure to a deep indigo, retaining a glossy finish through all of the dragon's stages because the blowing desert sands polish them.
Desert? Why do they live in the desert? Wouldn’t they stick out like a sore thumb?

This makes blue dragons easy to spot in barren desert surroundings.
Yes they would! Why would they specifically live in the desert if they’re so easily spotted? Were the other biomes taken, and they just had to make do with what was left over?

However, the dragons often conceal themselves, burrowing into the sand so only part of their heads are exposed.
I mean, that part’s still going to be obvious.

Blue dragons love to soar in the hot desert air; usually flying in the daytime when temperatures are the highest. Some blue dragons nearly match the color of the desert sky and use this coloration to their advantage in combat.
That’s not how that works! They’ll still cast a huge honkin’ shadow! You’d have to be at such a distance away from the dragon for them to blend in that you wouldn’t be able to see shit anyway.

And the dragon sure as hell wouldn’t be in range to actually get off any attacks like that. They might as well just be waiting for the enemy to die of thirst.

And to top it all off, the dragon would be moving, so even if the sky was perfectly clear, it would still stand out because you could see its wings flapping.

In short, camouflage is not happening for this guy.

And the same bit about speech percentages goes here, so I’ll skip that.

Combat: Blue dragons prefer to fight from a distance so their opponents can clearly witness the full force of their breath weapon and so little or no threat is posed to themselves.
Okay, that makes sense right there, but that’s just common sense. If you have a natural long-ranged weapon, and can fly, there is no reason to go into close-quarters combat.

Often blue dragons will attack from directly above or will burrow beneath the sands until opponents come within 100 feet.
Again, from directly above, you would cast a massive fucking shadow.

Older blue dragons will use their special abilities, such as hallucinatory terrain, in concert with these tactics to mask the land and aid in their chances to surprise.
Alright, so these guys basically create mirages. That’s almost a way to justify them being in the desert.

Blue dragons will only run from a fight if they are severely damaged, since they view retreat as cowardly.
That makes sense. So, there’s apparently a code of honor amongst blue dragons. Interesting.

Breath weapon/special abilities: A blue dragon's breath weapon is a 5' wide bolt of lightning that streaks 100' in a straight line from the dragon's mouth.
Okay, so we’ve established that it fights from a distance, and now we know that it can’t shoot lightning outside 100 feet.

Note that 100 feet is just one tenth more than the distance between baseball bases.

Looking up photos to get an idea of how the human eye would perceive this, you’d still be able to see something as small as a human, let alone something as massive as one of us.

To put this into perspective, let’s use me as an example.

In my natural form, I’m 26 feet long. That’s nine-tenths as long as a London bus. You’d sure as hell be be able to spot me.

By D&D standards of length, I would be smaller than a Juvenile blue.

An adult blue D&D dragon would be over 51 feet. That’s as tall as the Hollywood sign, something explicitly meant to be seen at a distance.

This all further reinforces my point that camouflage is not happening for the blue. Blue in general’s a hella easy color to spot, which, in addition to us growing so big, is one reason why we go from ambush to pursuit predators as we age.

EDIT: Asking a few people about this (a big thank you to AJMansfield and Seranata on Discord), the difference in scale color in certain areas of that illustration could be taken to mean that these guys employ a kind of countershading to help compensate for the lighting (hell, you can even see it on me, to an extent).

Not to mention, the angle of the shadow would be dependent on the time of day, so the shadow could even be behind whomever they're approaching if they're timing it right and approaching from the right angle.

Also, while humans and fellow dragons would be able to see one at this distance, most animals likely wouldn't, making hunting very viable for these guys. /end edit.

All creatures caught in this stream must save vs. breath weapon for half damage. Blue dragons cast spells and use their magical abilities at 7th level, adjusted by their combat modifier.
Okay, this is interesting. So, remember General, Part 2, where I cut things off because they stopped being interesting?

One of those parts talked about how dragons learn spells. To quote:

Spells: Dragons learn spells haphazardly over the years. The DM should randomly determine which spells any particular dragon knows.
So, randomly determined spellcasting. This, in theory, COULD give the blue more distance, but when the dragon in question’s spells are randomly assigned, the chances of that are low.

Granted, you could also get one with Invisibility, but even that’s not really natural camouflage, now is it?

For the sake of intellectual honesty, here’s the rest of that particular section in General before we move on (feel free to skip this).

The dragon can cast each spell once per day, unless random determination indicates the same spell more than once, in which case the dragon can cast it more than once a day. Dragons to not use spell books or pray to deities; they simply sleep, concentrate when they awaken, and remember their spells. Dragon spells have only a verbal component; the spells have a casting time of 1, regardless of level. Dragons cannot physically attack, use their breath weapon, use their magical abilities, or fly (except to glide) while casting a spell.
Back to your regularly-scheduled dragon sass.

Blue dragons are born with an immunity to electricity.
I mean, that makes sense from a design standpoint, but my breathing fire doesn’t make me immune to being burned. Our scales make us a lot harder to burn, but not fully impervious to flame.

As they age, they gain the following additional powers: Young: create or destroy water three times per day.
CREATING RIVERS
IN THE
DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESERRRRRRRRRRRRRT!
Juvenile: sound imitation at will.
So, D&D blue dragons are perfect impressionists.

Adult: dust devil once a day.Okay, this makes sense.

Old: ventriloquism once a day.
Wait, what?

First we it was impressionists, now blue dragons are fucking Jeff Dunham.



Venerable: hallucinatory terrain once a day.
So, mirages. Gotcha.

Habit/Society: Blue dragons are found in deserts; arid, windswept plains; and hot humid badlands. They enjoy the bleak terrain because there are few obstacles-only an occasional rock outcropping or dune-to interrupt the view of their territories. They spend hours looking out over their domains, watching for trespassers and admiring their property.
Because nothing says “beautiful view” like a monotonous, monochromatic wasteland.

Most of the blue dragons encountered will be alone because they do not want to share their territories with others.
What can I say, I like my privacy.

However, when a family is encountered the male dragon will attack ferociously, protecting his property-his mate and young.
Okay, this is one hell of an improvement over the previous entry. Blue dragons are family dragons, essentially.

The female dragon also will join in the attack if the threat proves significant.
Siiiigh. 2e.

Blue dragons' enemies are men, who kill the dragons for their skin and treasure, and brass dragons, which share the same environment.
Okay, hold the fuck up.

Again with the Ed Gein shit, here. People come to  literally skin us alive and steal our shit, and somehow we’re the Lawful Evil ones? What the shit?

Oh, and colorism again. Lovely.

If a blue dragon discovers a brass dragon in the same region, it will not rest until the trespassing dragon is killed or driven away.
So, are other non-blue dragons just given a pass, or does this seeming rivalry between bronzes and blues just happen because they’re both territorial, and both just happen to live in the same biome?

Blue dragons lair in vast underground caverns in which they store their treasure.
Okay, that’s literally just me, what the fuck.

Although blue dragons will collect anything which looks valuable, they are fond of gems-especially sapphires.
Hehehe, blue’s a great color, innit?

Ecology: Blue dragons are able to consume nearly anything, and sometimes are forced to eat snakes, lizards, and desert plants to help sate their great hunger.
“Sometimes”? What do these guys typically eat, then? Escargot?

However, they are particularly fond of herd animals, such as camels, and they will gorge themselves on caravans of the creatures which they cook with a lightning bolt.Nice to know they don’t eat their food raw.

So, this entry was certainly… a thing.

Nowhere near as bad as how black dragons get it in this book, honestly. If anything, it’s mostly nonsensical that these guys live specifically in the desert.

It’s also clear the author didn’t think through how light works.

Still, this is the least offensive entry we’ve found, so far.

Maybe this is the start of a trend! Maybe the next entry will be even nicer, an-

Green dragons are bad tempered, mean, cruel, and rude.

I don't know why I bother.