The Lion King Ramble

Fuck me, another month wooshing on by, and more last minute content.

Alright, so I’ll admit I haven’t brought out my A-Game on this post or the last one, but perfect is the enemy of good, right? Hopefully, this will prove at least a little entertaining to read until I come up with something better.

 So, let’s talk about The Lion King. Given how everyone’s already talked about the obvious monarchist and racist/classist (race-as-classist?) themes that the film espouses (and its godawful remake magnifies), we’ll take those as a given rather than the premise.

“What is the premise?!” I hear you ask. Well, it starts by looking at the film’s world through a purely Watsonian lens.

The more I thought about TLK's obvious exploitation of prey inherent to the monarchy, the more I wondered why the prey animals honored it at all; what do they have to lose by not doing so? They're being hunted and killed on the regular by the lions either way, so fear of that obviously isn't the motivator.

Then, I thought about the hyenas being inexplicably banished to their boneyard ghetto, and I realized: that isn't some weird, random policy they royals implemented as part of their regime. It’s the whole point of the regime.

Rambling About Angels With Scaly Wings

I don’t really have an apt illustration for any of the points I’m going to be making, so have a Remy I drew for giggles. Full size: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/33759932/

I was considering doing a retrospective post of some kind, but I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to write. Nobody’s making me do one, so sorry if you were expecting that.

Anyway, here’s a post I’ve had on the backburner for a while, about one of my favorite games. This post leans more towards the “critical analysis” side of copy, rather than a true review.

If you’re looking for a review, here it is:

This game is flawed, but truly special and charming. Go play it.

Now, with that out of the way, if you haven’t played this game already, skip this post entirely and go do it.

I mean it. The article won’t even make sense if you aren’t familiar with the game.

SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRE GAME

I’M DEAD SERIOUS, READ NO FURTHER THAN THE JUMP IF YOU DON’T WANT THIS GAME’S MANY SURPRISES RUINED FOR YOU.

So, About Jareth's Backstory...

So, the internet being what it is, I see a lot of hypotheses on certain aspects of Labyrinth's backstory.

Or, rather, I see the same hypothesis popping up in myriad forms. You know the one, Sarah is the latest in a long line of Sarahs because Jareth is a lunatic who keeps going after girls with the same name because he has some bullshit tragic past involving a girl named Sarah.

After all, everyone acts like they expected Sarah, so surely this has happened before, right? No.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Blue

Alright! It’s time for me to dispel any stereotypes these chucklefucks had about my kind. I guarantee you, no matter what they spout, it’s alllllll gonna be bullshit.

Blue dragons are extremely territorial and voracious.

I mean, I don’t eat that many people, come on.

They love to spend long hours preparing ambushes for herd animals and unwary travelers, and they spend equally long hours dwelling on their success and admiring their trophies.
*looks at his well-polished hoard of handsome males and intruders he’s turned to gold*

Oh, dammit.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Black

Crappy gif quality, because that's the only scan I could find of this damned thing!

So, to ease your concerns, I’ll try not to get too offended on other people’s behalf. But, hot diggity damn, is this one a real hot mess.

Black dragons are abusive, quick to anger, and resent intrusions of any kind. They like dismal surroundings, heavy vegetation, and prefer darkness to daylight. Although not as intelligent as other dragons, black dragons are instinctively cunning and malevolent.

*facepalm*

I should’ve expected no less from the same book that has drow in it. Gotta love that they specify “not as intelligent”, in addition to them being angry and violent.

Also, “resent intrusions of any kind”? That’s, uh, basically everyone. I doubt you’d be all that chipper, either, if someone broke into your house with the intent of killing you and stealing your shit.

At birth, a black dragon's scales are thin, small, and glossy. But as the dragon ages, its scales become larger, thicker, and duller, which helps it camouflage itself in swamps and marshes.
Huhhhh…

Grumpy asshole who lives in a swamp, can’t stand intruders…



It’s official, anyone playing a black dragon is required by law to do them in a Scottish accent.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons! - General, Part 2

Welcome back to Let’s Dissect D&D 2e’s Dragons!

After bearing witness to some truly severe anti-draconic stereotypes, we’ve reached the halfway point of this hella long entry. Let’s see if it can get any worse from here.

Dragon Hide: Dragon skin is prized by armorers with the skill to turn it into shields and armor, valuable because of its appearance and the protection it affords. Dragon armor grants its wearer an Armor Class of 4 less than the Armor Class of the dragon it was taken from, for a minimum Armor Class of 8.
Yes, it sure can.

Who the fuck wrote this, Ed Gein?!

These are sapient beings you’re talking about skinning and making clothes from! I don’t see you talking about making elf-hide purses, or using dwarf skulls as ashtrays.

For example, armor from a juvenile brass dragon (AC O) grants its wearer AC 4. Dragon armor is supple and non-bulky, weighing only 25 pounds.
Who fucking statted up the properties of armor made from children? And they don’t even get the “oh, it’s an EVIL colored dragon, so it’s okay” excuse, since they clearly mention a brass dragon.

Are we going to talk about how to harvest dragon fat for lamp oil, next? How about tips on what spices go best with braised dragon tail?

I get the feeling the only reason these degenerates stopped just short of talking about how to make stuffed dragon heads into waterspouts is because they were running out of page le—

Hang on, Mikks is yapping about adding something… Dragon Magazine #332? Page 49?

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons! - General, Part 1

After reading a few entries from Your Dungeon is Problematic, I felt compelled to write my own take on a few entries. Namely, the dragons.

They’re what the game’s named after, after all (though it’s bizarre that it took them so many editions before they finally made them a standard player race)!

I’ve reached out to the author of that blog through the same crazy mojo that lets me post shit back in time in the first place, and maybe, MAYBE we’ll get ourselves a crossover post. Who knows!

As a heads-up, this will be referencing real-world racism, simply by necessity, so… there’s your warning to back out if you’re not interested. I promise I won't be too preachy.

At any rate, I’ve rarin' to tear into the AD&D 2e Monster Manual, myself.

Why 2e in particular? Because 2e's MM has so much content that's just hella fun to riff on. I blame noisms' 2e MM thread for making me love it. You can pick a page at random from that massive fucking tome, and the chances are high you'll strike gold.

While later editions have a lot of the same problems, they're presented in a tidier, less cheesy format. Without 2e's cheese, you're just pointing out problematic elements in an otherwise solid work. And frankly, that's not fun. And if it's not fun, it doesn't belong on this blog.

Meanwhile, the 1e MM is rather terse and non-judgmental with its descriptions. Oh, sure, it’ll tell you Black Dragons are “Chaotic evil”, but it won’t slander them any further.

2e, however, makes no bones about how exaggeratedly eeeeeeeevil its “evil” monsters are, describing in hateful detail everything from how they love kicking puppies and not showering to how they lust after yo’ elf women.

Well, I ain’t letting that shit slide!

You listen here, Mr. Tim Beach, Doug Stewart, Slade Henson, Thomas Reid, Jeff Grubb, Wolfgang Baur, Jon Pickens, John Rateliff!

You appropriate our image and name, you cast us as the bad guys, and now you slander us with your blood libel?!

Well, COWBOYS, I ain’t gonna take that!

It’s time for this dragon to sass your asses!

Let’s do this!

First up, we have “Dragon, General.”

Sadly, the MM doesn't have an illo of a dragon in this section, so I'll just use this public domain stud, courtesy of LadyofHats.

This entry is long, and not really structured like the other ones, so think of this as the prelude to the massive roast I’m about to dish out.

The Disjointed, Nihilistic Pantomime of Sonic 2 8-Bit (Warning for LOTS of images)

Literally only one thing on this cover ever actually happens in this game.

I've always felt a kinship with Sonic the Hedgehog, and I think it has more to it than both of us being blue, impatient, and autistic (okay, maybe I'm just projecting that last one).

The confidence this guy exudes, his unflinching can-do attitude in the face of impossible odds, and his free-spirited nature always resonated with my soft-scaled, awkward self ever since my hands first formed.

It only makes sense, then, that the second post on this blog would be about the 8-bit game that calls itself Sonic 2! Except it isn't, because it has nothing to do with that game apart from having the same name.

None of the improvements Sonic 2 introduced to the series are in this game: no Spin Dash, no Super Sonic, no Death Egg. This is as barebones a sequel to the first game as you could imagine.

As a first outing from Aspect, who later went on to create the beloved Sonic Chaos and Triple Trouble, Sonic 2 8-bit is... lacking. Yet, it's always stuck in the back of my mind, ever since I got my paws on a Game Gear as a hatchie (those scratches and minor scorch marks were there when I got it, I swear).

This game has a bizarre quality to it that I've never been able to pin down. It keeps me coming back to it every so often, soaking in its surreal, now-comfortingly hostile atmosphere.

Somehow, by virtue of sloppy game design, a few half-baked ideas, and bizarre decisions on the part of the development team, this game accidentally becomes a powerful nihilistic pantomime.