Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons! - General, Part 1

After reading a few entries from Your Dungeon is Problematic, I felt compelled to write my own take on a few entries. Namely, the dragons.

They’re what the game’s named after, after all (though it’s bizarre that it took them so many editions before they finally made them a standard player race)!

I’ve reached out to the author of that blog through the same crazy mojo that lets me post shit back in time in the first place, and maybe, MAYBE we’ll get ourselves a crossover post. Who knows!

As a heads-up, this will be referencing real-world racism, simply by necessity, so… there’s your warning to back out if you’re not interested. I promise I won't be too preachy.

At any rate, I’ve rarin' to tear into the AD&D 2e Monster Manual, myself.

Why 2e in particular? Because 2e's MM has so much content that's just hella fun to riff on. I blame noisms' 2e MM thread for making me love it. You can pick a page at random from that massive fucking tome, and the chances are high you'll strike gold.

While later editions have a lot of the same problems, they're presented in a tidier, less cheesy format. Without 2e's cheese, you're just pointing out problematic elements in an otherwise solid work. And frankly, that's not fun. And if it's not fun, it doesn't belong on this blog.

Meanwhile, the 1e MM is rather terse and non-judgmental with its descriptions. Oh, sure, it’ll tell you Black Dragons are “Chaotic evil”, but it won’t slander them any further.

2e, however, makes no bones about how exaggeratedly eeeeeeeevil its “evil” monsters are, describing in hateful detail everything from how they love kicking puppies and not showering to how they lust after yo’ elf women.

Well, I ain’t letting that shit slide!

You listen here, Mr. Tim Beach, Doug Stewart, Slade Henson, Thomas Reid, Jeff Grubb, Wolfgang Baur, Jon Pickens, John Rateliff!

You appropriate our image and name, you cast us as the bad guys, and now you slander us with your blood libel?!

Well, COWBOYS, I ain’t gonna take that!

It’s time for this dragon to sass your asses!

Let’s do this!

First up, we have “Dragon, General.”

Sadly, the MM doesn't have an illo of a dragon in this section, so I'll just use this public domain stud, courtesy of LadyofHats.

This entry is long, and not really structured like the other ones, so think of this as the prelude to the massive roast I’m about to dish out.
Dragons are an ancient, winged reptilian race. They are known and feared for their size, physical prowess, and magical abilities. The oldest dragons are among the most powerful creatures in the world.
Okay, so far it’s relatively neutral. Acknowledging our inherent badassery’s as good a start to anything.

Most dragons are identified by the color of their scales.
Gosh’s fucking knitting needles, here it comes.

There are many known subspecies of dragons, several of which fall into three broad categories: chromatic, gem, and metallic dragons. Chromatic dragons include black, blue, green, red, and white dragons; all are extremely evil and are feared by most.
Really rolling it out with the colorism, ain’t we. I love how they mention black first, like they’re not remotely trying to hide the parallels to human racism. Also, they’re not just mildly evil, they’re extremely evil. Fuckin’ tubular, dawg.

The metallic dragons are the brass, bronze, copper, gold, and silver dragons; these are noble and good, highly respected by wise people.
“If it’s not shiny, it’s eeeeeeeeeevil” is what they’re trying to get across. This follows the idea set by AD&D that if it’s not pleasant and beautiful by human standards, it must be destroyed (there are exceptions like the flumph, of course, but they’re more goofy than “ugly”).

How do these people get on a subway without freaking out over all the “eeeeeeeeevil” around them?

The gem dragons are the amethyst, crystal, emerald, sapphire, and topaz dragons; they are neutral with respect to good and evil, and are very charismatic and suave, masters of persuasion who delight in riddles. Though generally smaller and slower than other dragons, gem dragons are often wiser and more intelligent, and have other powers to compensate, like psionics.
Hey, protip on how to use a thesaurus, author. You’re supposed to pick one synonym and stick with it, not copy the whole damned page.

Also, what’s with AD&D’s fixation on the idea that the smaller members of a given species must be smarter to compensate? That’s not how ability works, it’s not an equivalent exchange.

The idea that someone less able in one sphere must have something to compensate for that implies they’d be worthless if they didn’t.

Then again, in AD&D’s world of “everything has statistics and fits into a rigidly-defined compartment of our choosing, right down to how objectively good or evil someone is”, it’s kind of inevitable.

In addition to the dragons in these three classifications, there are other dragons that may at first seem to be members of those categories. For instance, the steel dragon seems to be a metallic dragon, but has only one breath weapon; while each "true" metallic dragon has two. Likewise, the brown dragon seems to be a typical, evil chromatic dragon; but has no wings, so is not a "true" chromatic dragon.
… Why, exactly, are we splitting hairs this much? You’re already prejudging dragons based on how shiny their scales are, now wings and the number of breath weapons they have also divide them?

Good grief, I’d hate to see whoever wrote this attend a Yimaza. They’d be obsessively coming up with classifications based on what places everyone’s hair grows in.

Although all subspecies of dragons are believed to have come from the same roots tens of thousands of years ago, the present subspecies keep to themselves, working together only under extreme circumstances, such as a powerful mutual threat.
Huh, well it’s nice to see that they’re willing to set aside their differences for the sake of self-preserva-

Good dragons never work with evil dragons, however, though a few neutral dragon specimens have been known to associate with evil or good dragons. Gold dragons occasionally associate freely with silver dragons, and emerald dragons are sometimes found with sapphire dragons.
I bet the metallics attend all-metallic schools and have special bathrooms all to themselves (if we’re going with the Jim Crow analogy, what does that make Gem Dragons? Asians? That’s more than a little ironic, if you know what Golds in this setting look like).

When evil dragons of different species encounter each other, they usually fight to protect their territories.
Good lord, now we’ve got dragon turf wars. Next you’ll be telling me they run choco cartels.

While good dragons of different subspecies are more tolerant of each other, they are also very territorial. They usually try to work out differences in a peaceful manner.
So, just like actual sane people tend to do.

Gem dragons often settle inter-species disputes with riddling contests.
Siiiiigh. I was kidding when I compared the Gem dragons to Asian stereotypes, book, you don’t have to meet me.

So, here we get into a bunch of generalized statistics.

I’ll skip over most of this part.

Generally, when multiple dragons are encountered they are a mated pair and young. Mated dragons are always young adults, adults, or mature adults; young dragons found with their parents are of the young adult stage or younger. To determine the age of young dragons roll 1d6: 1 = egg; 2 = hatchling; 3 = very young; 4 = young; 5 = juvenile; 6 = young adult.
So, by “mated pair”, are we talking heterosexual, or do gay dragons adopt? Why just pairs? Are there no polyamorous relationships amongst dragons?

… Wait, why are you having players roll to determine the age of the kids?

I have a bad feeling about this.

During the early part of a dragon's young adult stage it leaves its parents, greed driving it on to start a lair of its own.
As opposed to wanting to be independent, or the lair simply not being big enough to accommodate any more dragons. Also, does this apply to “good” dragons, too? Are all dragons motivated by greed, according to the MM?

Sometimes, although rarely, juvenile dragons leave their parents to start their own lives.
So, if you leave when you’re a young adult, you’re greedy. But if you leave as a juvenile, you’re independent? What the fuck is this logic?

As a pair of mated dragons age beyond the mature adult stage, they split up, independence and the lust for treasure driving them apart.
Siiiiiiiigh.

So “dragons are so greedy and anti-social they literally can’t share the same home for too long or they’ll kill each other”.

*clap clap*

Congratulations. I was hoping they wouldn’t exaggerate the stereotypes associated with us to that degree, but I shouldn’t have underestimated the authors of this hate tract role-playing game supplement.

Older dragons of either sex sometimes raise young, but only on their own -- the other parent leaves when the eggs are laid.
So elderly dragons have a 50% chance of being deadbeat parents. Lovely.

Dragons, especially older ones, are generally solitary due to necessity and preference. They distance themselves from civilization, which they consider to be a petty and foolish mortal invention.
You know, civilization is the reason things like sanitation, air conditioning, medicine, public facilities, literature, computers, and the Internet all exist.

I’m a little ambivalent towards civilization, and its execution is certainly lacking in a lot of ways, but as an idea, I’d hardly call it “foolish”. Also, “mortal”? Dragons aren’t immortal, despite the jokes people make about us.

Dragons are fearsome predators, but scavenge when necessary and can eat almost anything if they are hungry enough. A dragon's metabolism operates like a highly efficient furnace, making use of 95% of all the food the dragon eats. A dragon can also metabolize inorganic material, and some dragons have developed a taste for such fare.
So, you’re saying we’re extra prone to Pica Syndrome.

Also, wouldn’t that make finding food absurdly easy? If I were one of these D&D dergs, I could possibly survive off eating the walls of my cave. Which brings up the question, are there dragons that made their cave homes simply by eating away at the walls?

Surely, there has to have been at least one.

Although dragons' goals and ideals vary among subspecies, all dragons are covetous. They like to hoard wealth, collecting mounds of coins and gathering as many gems, jewels, and magical items as possible.
Cheese and Christmas, you make us sound like Jeff Bezos. I pay my taxes, dammit.

They find treasure pleasing to look at, and they bask in the radiance of the magical items. For a dragon, there is never enough treasure. Those with large hoards are loath to leave them for long, venturing out of their lairs only to patrol the immediate areas or to get food.
That… sounds like someone with an actual hoarding problem.

Dragons like to make beds of their treasure, shaping nooks and mounds to fit their bodies. By the time they mature to the great wyrm stage, hundreds of gems and coins are imbedded in their hides.
Ewwwwww. Do these guys never bathe, or something? How long do they spend lying on those things? Even a lazy fatass like myself likes to stretch my wings and get out of the cave once in a while!

Also, a bed of money is overrated: my plushie pile is soft enough for me and my bolds to cuddle on.

Dragon Defenses: A dragon's Armor Class improves as it gets older and the creature becomes tougher. Old dragons or older dragons are immune to normal missiles; their gem-encrusted hides deflect arrows and other small projectiles. Large missiles (from catapults, giants, etc.) and magical missiles affect them normally. Young adult and older dragons radiate a personal aura that makes them partially resistant to harmful magic. A dragon's resistance to magic increases as it ages.
An armor of treasure? Good grief, now they’re just copying Tolkien at this point— oh wait, that’s D&D’s modus operandi, right up there with aping Jack Vance and Robert E. Howard. With a little Lovecraft for flavor.

You’re doubtless wondering “Paph, how the fuck is this entry not over yet?” Truth is, I really, really don’t know! This section’s just extra wordy.

Which is why I’m splitting up this section into two parts.

Tune in next time for how D&D handles dragon flight, dragon lairs, and possibly even child murder (what makes me think that third part will come up? Just me having already written the second part ahead of posting this a hunch)!