Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Green

This one kind of looks like a screwed-up crocodile. Not nearly as funny as the 1e illustration I found.

Look at what a happy dork this guy is. "A-hyuck, howdy there, adventurerers! Imma swallow you whole, now!"

So, for this episode, I have a guest! Introducing my bro, Marky.

Marky: Hey, there!

Paph: So, today’s entry is the Green Dragon. Insert your Kermit the Frog jokes now, kiddoes. Let me begin this shitshow.

Green dragons are bad tempered, mean, cruel, and rude.
Paph: What did I tell you about using a thesaurus, writer? You just said the same thing four different ways. It’d be like if I called someone “smelly, odious, stinking, and putrid”.

They hate goodness and good-aligned creatures. They love intrigue and seek to enslave other woodland creatures, killing those who cannot be controlled or intimidated.
Paph: “GRRRR, HOW DARE HE DONATE TO CHARITY AND FEED STARVING ORPHANS! JUST TO MAKE IT WORSE, HE RESOLVED A CONFLICT WITHOUT KILLING A SINGLE PERSON! I NEED LIES AND DEATH TO SUSTAIN ME!” — A Green D&D dragon, aka your average Republican

Marky: Marky approves.

Web 1.0 Pages about Dragons - S.W.O.R.D.

Ahhhh, the 90’s and early 2000’s.

A mythical golden age of the internet, before it was consolidated to 5 or 6 platforms.

Back when content wasn’t a homogeneous stew of nonsensical memes, assholes running around in traffic, performative outrage, and manchildren screaming at video games. When the internet was a wild frontier, where anything and everything went.

This bygone internet was not unlike the biblical Garden of Eden, except that it actually existed.

I figured I’d take a break from dissecting D&D to talk about a particular page from this bygone era.

By total coincidence, it happens to be about dragons.

If you wanna browse along with me, here’s a link:

http://www.angelfire.com/realm2/dragonpaws/

The name of this website is:

S.W.O.R.D.

Special World of Regal Dragons.



Y’know, opposed to the commoner or the bourgeois dragons.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Blue

Alright! It’s time for me to dispel any stereotypes these chucklefucks had about my kind. I guarantee you, no matter what they spout, it’s alllllll gonna be bullshit.

Blue dragons are extremely territorial and voracious.

I mean, I don’t eat that many people, come on.

They love to spend long hours preparing ambushes for herd animals and unwary travelers, and they spend equally long hours dwelling on their success and admiring their trophies.
*looks at his well-polished hoard of handsome males and intruders he’s turned to gold*

Oh, dammit.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Black

Crappy gif quality, because that's the only scan I could find of this damned thing!

So, to ease your concerns, I’ll try not to get too offended on other people’s behalf. But, hot diggity damn, is this one a real hot mess.

Black dragons are abusive, quick to anger, and resent intrusions of any kind. They like dismal surroundings, heavy vegetation, and prefer darkness to daylight. Although not as intelligent as other dragons, black dragons are instinctively cunning and malevolent.

*facepalm*

I should’ve expected no less from the same book that has drow in it. Gotta love that they specify “not as intelligent”, in addition to them being angry and violent.

Also, “resent intrusions of any kind”? That’s, uh, basically everyone. I doubt you’d be all that chipper, either, if someone broke into your house with the intent of killing you and stealing your shit.

At birth, a black dragon's scales are thin, small, and glossy. But as the dragon ages, its scales become larger, thicker, and duller, which helps it camouflage itself in swamps and marshes.
Huhhhh…

Grumpy asshole who lives in a swamp, can’t stand intruders…



It’s official, anyone playing a black dragon is required by law to do them in a Scottish accent.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons! - General, Part 2

Welcome back to Let’s Dissect D&D 2e’s Dragons!

After bearing witness to some truly severe anti-draconic stereotypes, we’ve reached the halfway point of this hella long entry. Let’s see if it can get any worse from here.

Dragon Hide: Dragon skin is prized by armorers with the skill to turn it into shields and armor, valuable because of its appearance and the protection it affords. Dragon armor grants its wearer an Armor Class of 4 less than the Armor Class of the dragon it was taken from, for a minimum Armor Class of 8.
Yes, it sure can.

Who the fuck wrote this, Ed Gein?!

These are sapient beings you’re talking about skinning and making clothes from! I don’t see you talking about making elf-hide purses, or using dwarf skulls as ashtrays.

For example, armor from a juvenile brass dragon (AC O) grants its wearer AC 4. Dragon armor is supple and non-bulky, weighing only 25 pounds.
Who fucking statted up the properties of armor made from children? And they don’t even get the “oh, it’s an EVIL colored dragon, so it’s okay” excuse, since they clearly mention a brass dragon.

Are we going to talk about how to harvest dragon fat for lamp oil, next? How about tips on what spices go best with braised dragon tail?

I get the feeling the only reason these degenerates stopped just short of talking about how to make stuffed dragon heads into waterspouts is because they were running out of page le—

Hang on, Mikks is yapping about adding something… Dragon Magazine #332? Page 49?

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons! - General, Part 1

After reading a few entries from Your Dungeon is Problematic, I felt compelled to write my own take on a few entries. Namely, the dragons.

They’re what the game’s named after, after all (though it’s bizarre that it took them so many editions before they finally made them a standard player race)!

I’ve reached out to the author of that blog through the same crazy mojo that lets me post shit back in time in the first place, and maybe, MAYBE we’ll get ourselves a crossover post. Who knows!

As a heads-up, this will be referencing real-world racism, simply by necessity, so… there’s your warning to back out if you’re not interested. I promise I won't be too preachy.

At any rate, I’ve rarin' to tear into the AD&D 2e Monster Manual, myself.

Why 2e in particular? Because 2e's MM has so much content that's just hella fun to riff on. I blame noisms' 2e MM thread for making me love it. You can pick a page at random from that massive fucking tome, and the chances are high you'll strike gold.

While later editions have a lot of the same problems, they're presented in a tidier, less cheesy format. Without 2e's cheese, you're just pointing out problematic elements in an otherwise solid work. And frankly, that's not fun. And if it's not fun, it doesn't belong on this blog.

Meanwhile, the 1e MM is rather terse and non-judgmental with its descriptions. Oh, sure, it’ll tell you Black Dragons are “Chaotic evil”, but it won’t slander them any further.

2e, however, makes no bones about how exaggeratedly eeeeeeeevil its “evil” monsters are, describing in hateful detail everything from how they love kicking puppies and not showering to how they lust after yo’ elf women.

Well, I ain’t letting that shit slide!

You listen here, Mr. Tim Beach, Doug Stewart, Slade Henson, Thomas Reid, Jeff Grubb, Wolfgang Baur, Jon Pickens, John Rateliff!

You appropriate our image and name, you cast us as the bad guys, and now you slander us with your blood libel?!

Well, COWBOYS, I ain’t gonna take that!

It’s time for this dragon to sass your asses!

Let’s do this!

First up, we have “Dragon, General.”

Sadly, the MM doesn't have an illo of a dragon in this section, so I'll just use this public domain stud, courtesy of LadyofHats.

This entry is long, and not really structured like the other ones, so think of this as the prelude to the massive roast I’m about to dish out.