A mythical golden age of the internet, before it was consolidated to 5 or 6 platforms.
Back when content wasn’t a homogeneous stew of nonsensical memes, assholes running around in traffic, performative outrage, and manchildren screaming at video games. When the internet was a wild frontier, where anything and everything went.
This bygone internet was not unlike the biblical Garden of Eden, except that it actually existed.
I figured I’d take a break from dissecting D&D to talk about a particular page from this bygone era.
By total coincidence, it happens to be about dragons.
If you wanna browse along with me, here’s a link:
http://www.angelfire.com/realm2/dragonpaws/
The name of this website is:
S.W.O.R.D.
Special World of Regal Dragons.
Y’know, opposed to the commoner or the bourgeois dragons.
As was common to Angelfire-hosted sites, the majority of the content is an endless stream of dragon-related .jpgs and .gifs, the latter frequently courtesy of one Malathar.
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| "Everyone needs a Dragon" Best slogan in the history of mankind. |
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| The early internet REALLY got a lot of mileage out of those Malathar gifs, Gosh's scissors. |
The sources for this section are pretty indiscriminate, which, in a way, is pretty charming. “Fairy Dragons” from D&D and Pernese dragons are mentioned in the same paragraph.
While it’s hardly a scholarly work like The Circle of the Dragon, this particular page is very useful for getting an insight into the collective pop-cultural conception of a dragon.
Not unlike reading Pliny the Elder, or a Medieval bestiary.
Interestingly, there’s a segment on “dragon-slayers”, and how dragons can fight back against them. Nice of them to think of this.
A lot of it does sound like good advice, like “First of all, if you ever encounter a dragon-slayer, don't stay in a lair, or any enclosed space. You'll want to get out into the open so that you can fly.” And “The number one thing to remember when in combat with a dragon slayer is DON'T let them get near you, because then you shouldn't use your fiery breath on him just in case you hit yourself. Remember, most dragons are fire-resistant, not fire-proof.”
While I'd be skeptical of following the advice of a 20th century human writing about (to him) imaginary creatures, hopefully I won’t have to verify any of this for myself.
And, of course, I had to take the site’s Dragonicity Test.
“Dragonicity” sounds like something from that Volvic ad everyone made Youtube Poops of.
This test rates your relative draconity. The majority of these 100 questions assume that you are human (at least most of the time), have a draconic name, and have at least heard of dragons at some point in your life. So you won't have to wade through lots of questions asking if you've ever read a book on a dragon, seen a dragon picture, etc.
So, you’re assuming I’m either an otherkin or one of those shifters humans write romance novels about because they're too scared to admit they want to fuck a giant lizard, got it. Gosh’s needles, this is one hell of a mental exercise; I’m a dragon answering questions meant for Earthlings who think they’re a particular conception of “Dragon”.
This test is purely for fun and entertainment. If you do not feel that your score is relative to your draconity then ignore it, and feel good in the knowledge that if you believe you are a dragon then you have something no test can measure. - Dymus.
Just for reference I found myself with a score of 56%. So I warn you now that the validity of the test isn't exactly real high, just fun.
Well, it’s nice to know that this test is upfront about being full of shit.
“Have you ever…”
Had a dream where, you'd- you would- you wan- you'd do-
conquered a major city just so you could brag about it in bars to your friends? Right off the bat, we’re given an example of the Dragon as Imperialist. Believe me, we gave up on that shit pretty quickly when we invariably lived to watch it all crumble before we even hit middle-age.
told all your friends about your life as a dragon? I mean, if I want to talk about myself literally at all, that’d be a necessity.
signed your human email with your dragon name? You know, that’s an interesting thought. What would my name be, as a human? Pap Fall? Who knows. Whenever I search up my blog, I always get asked if I’m looking for “Paul’s Lair”. Maybe I’d be a Paul. Blegh, nah.
wanted to jump off a high building because you _know_ you have wings? Every hatchie does that. “But MOOOOOOOOM, my wings ARE big enough!” Bless our mothers, for without them, we'd all be cliffside pizza.
used the word "froody" more than 20 times in a day? What the FUCK is a Froody? Sounds nasty. [Mikks, here. Paph’s lazing around, and left this document open. It’s a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy reference.] Wait, seriously? My 20th-century anthrophile cred is forever shattered.
written a dragon-like story? Dragon-LIKE? What would that even mean?
found yourself thinking, "Pesky mortals" when in a human gathering place? Nnnnnnnnoooo? Usually, my thoughts turn towards not accidentally stepping or sitting on someone, or not whapping them with my tail.
been called by your draconic name? Only name I got, my friend.
answered faster to your draconic name then your human one? Again with the human names thing. Paphvul’s the only name I need, frankly.
had the though of eating all the humans responsible for any of your problems? Nahhhhhh, I don’t want their thoughts occupying my linarithaphan.
hired a typist because you can't type fast enough with talons? It took many a broken keyboard, but I did eventually learn how to type properly.
not cared about anything you wear unless it has a dragon decorated on it? I mean, I usually go nude, apart from my armle- ohhhhhhh wait, that has a dragon on it. Damn.
been tempted to kill your best friend because they approached your hoard? Hell no! Is this a dragon quiz, or a psychopath test?
read a description of a dragon in a book and thought, "Hey, I'm not like that, I'm THIS kind of dragon!"? It’s part and parcel of my hobby, hehe.
found yourself with the strange desire to eat meat raw? “Still alive and squirming” is as raw as you can get. But no, when I go hunting, I always cook and season whatever I kill. Same as most of us, really.
found yourself looking at someone who annoys you and licking your lips or teeth? Again, kind of the opposite of what happens when I meet someone annoying.
found youself[sic] startled when you look in a mirror and find you are rather human-looking? Nope. Between the scales, the tail and wings, the snooter, and these handsome chompers, nobody’s mistaking me for anything but 100% pure dragon.
growled under your breath? We all have.
heard of Alt.fan.dragons? Yes, just now.
posted to alt.fan.dragons? I’m pretty sure it’s dead, by now. *browses back in time to the group as of 2019* ... Huh. As of the date my timeport goes to, it's still just barely twitching. You know what? Anyone reading this in the 21st century, hop on and give 'em a prod. Tell 'em Paph sent'cha. It won't mean anything to 'em, but a little whoring out my blog never hurts.
told the rest of the world to go get bent because you were busy doing alt.fan.dragons related stuff? Nope, because I have a life.
found yourself putting your draconic title on any resumes (ie. Queen of Insanity, the Daring, Sworn Protector of All Things Elven, etc.)? I always include “His Chubbiness” on my resume.
heard your children "meep" instead of cry? I don’t have wyrmlings, nor do I want any.
sat around for three hours complaining that your Dancing Dragon catalog hasn't come in yet? My what? *looks that up* Ohhhhh, those statues you see in people's gardens. Nah, for one, I don't do exterior decorating; I like my cave's anonymity. Second, why buy a statue for the cave's garden when can "make" one?
replied to your dragon name? YES. I’D BE A REAL ASSHOLE IF I DIDN’T RESPOND TO MY OWN GODDAMNED NAME, NOW WOULDN’T I?
planned battle strategies for wars against demons? No way! My big bro’s a demon, and I love him more than words can tell.
had the thought of flying to a destination without the use of an airplane? That’s literally how I go anywhere.
Are your very best friends dragons? Surprisingly, no, not most of them. I could make them so, but they don’t seem ready to undergo so drastic a change.
had the inexplicable urge to splut people? I had to look that word up. Why waste a perfectly good pie like that?
found yourself with the urge to hiss at people who are bugging you? I’m not a cat, despite what people tend to think.
found yourself with the urge to hoard gold? Who, me? *looks at his collection of aurified males* Noooooo~
found yourself with the urge to hoard anything? No, but I’m gonna find myself with the urge to set you on fire if you don't quit asking repetitive questions like this! ... is the sheer number of violent questions on this thing rubbing off on me?
replied to any e-mail from a dragon? I mean, yeah.
curled your fingers as a sign of frustration? How’s that remotely “dragonly”?
found youself[sic] trying to move your tail before sitting down? Yes.
had your tail get in the way? Uh-huh.
found yourself trying to open cans with your "horns" instead of a can opener? Of course I use my horns to- … Was that an innuendo? I don’t like those scare quotes, mister.
collected everything in your room into a pile and laid on it for a hoard? Nah, just my plushies.
found yourself trying to breathe fire? Trying and succeeding on a regular basis!
thought it to be really cool when you see your breath on cold days, and thought "wow, I'm smoking"? Not really? I can make smoke come out any day of the week.
found your "talons" get in the way when you are typing? I used to, but I bought a sturdier keyboard and a set of pads for my claws.
collected things just for the sheer joy of having a big pile of junk? I won’t lie, I pretty much collect plushies just so I can sleep on ‘em.
thought seriously about filing your fingernails to a point? As opposed to what, rounding them down?
been suprised[sic] when after a restless night's sleep the covers aren't ripped to shreds? I know not of these “covers” of which you speak. Kidding aside, I just sleep with my wings folded over me.
bought the newest Enchantica that's out instead of the newest CD player? Ohhhhhh, you mean those funky dragon/wizard statuettes you see at flea markets? I was never into those, myself. They strike me as a little too "new age".
refered to your birthday as your "hatchingday"? Of course not! Those are separate days. ‘Vazania’ (roughly ”Egg/Laying Day”), and ‘Pakhaizania’ (“Breaking/Hatching Day”).
refered to the place you sleep as your lair? Yes. Of course, I also call my blog that, hehe.
drawn dragons all over your test papers? Yes, especially in art class.
refered to a human as "greggil", "two-legger", or "hooman"? “Two-legger?” That sounds like something from a hokey fantasy story!
had any sympathy for the eggs you eat? No, of course not! There’s nothing alive in them. Hell, Mom used to cook her eggs all the time, like most nesses.
had the strange urge to take all the eggs out of the refrigerator and sit on them? I tried that once as a hatchie. Mom still cracks up just thinking about it.
laid an egg? I’m not a girl, sorry.
refered to your spouse as your mate? I’m single.
had a dragon idol in your house? Yeah, me.
worshiped it? I believe in self-love as a positive thing.
given it money? That’s called having a job.
had a Dancing Dragon catalog in your home (lair)? Nope! I think they’re neat, but I’m not really one who puts much thought into home decor beyond “this is where Stud A goes”.
named any of your pewter dragons? I don’t collect those.
had a dragon stop outside your window and offer you a ride? If he did, I’d cite him for both trespassing and sexual harassment.
thought of this as a normal occurance? Sexual harassment should never be normalized.
regretted clipping your toenails or fingernails? Like say, cutting too close to the quick? Hell yeah, that hurts.
tried to grow them out really long? Nope.
dreamed about being a dragon? I’m never anything else in my dreams.
seen a poster of a dragon and thought, "I know him/her from somewhere"? I happen to run into a few famous dergs at Yimaza from time to time, and there’s only so many of us in the world to begin with, so yeah. This is kind of an inevitability.
played DragonSlides on tall buildings in the wintertime? Never heard of it.
used such expressions as, "Wind to Thy Wings"? I mean, sure. That’s roughly how you’d translate at least one Daakhet idiom.
viewed knights in fairy tales as food in a tin, rather than the hero? I consider those tales to be retroactive blood libel, myself.
been stopped by a police officer and told him/her that they can't give you a ticket because you're a dragon? No. I don’t drive, for one. And two, dragon privilege. Nazis and St. George wannabes are out for us, but cops aren't.
found yourself wondering what the dragon does to the princess in fairy tales before the knight comes to "rescue" her? Welllll, given our charms, it’s likely those virgins don’t stay virgins.
thought of reptiles more as species cousins rather than monkeys? I mean, we kind of occupy a weird space wherein taxonomists don’t know what the hell to call us.
slept curled up on top of all your covers? No.
ignored your real name, because you are so used to your draconic one?
woken up in the middle of the night paranoid someone has broken into your room and stolen something? No.
thought that you might have been born on the wrong planet because you don't see dragons on a regular basis? No, because I DO see them on a regular basis. Hell, I live with one.
had the urge to senselessly attack any moving target when you became angry? Isn’t that basically everyone?
slept for more than 24 hours at one time? Hell no. I can barely manage 7 at a time.
slept for more than one week at a time? Hell no, I’m not even in my 300s yet.
noticed that you have an acute sense of smell? How the hell do you not notice these things? Do you have days where yougawk in amazement as you go “WOW, I can see in COLOR! And holy shit, my fingers! I can TOUCH things with them! Hot diggity dawg!”
wondered why your tongue isn't forked? There’s a simple answer for that: I didn’t much care for a forked tongue when I tried it.
really scared someone when you looked at them in anger? I think damn near anyone who isn’t a dragon shits their pants when we’re mad.
smiled and made people nervous? Oh, definitely.
really wished you lived in a fantasy world? Haven’t we all.
seen a picture or figurine of a dragon and thought it was cute? Hell yeah.
refered to someone younger than you as young hatchling? Yyyyyyes?
found yourself very sensitive to temperature (ie. cannot take either cold or hot weather very well)? The opposite, actually. Remember, I was literally encased in ice, and still came out just fine.
found yourself drawn to lie in the sun just for the sheer joy of it? I guess.
found yourself to be overly possessive? Nonsense! Those cuties just can’t stay away, is all~
had anything you wore in a regular basis that had a dragon depicted on it? ZOT!
really wished you could breathe fire on the annoying person near you? ZOT!
thought caves or mountains were facinating? Totally. Thus, why I live in one.
had daydreams of destroying your school as a dragon? I was homeschooled as a ‘net.
Well, that’s about it for the quiz.
And again, we get a disclaimer:
***Disclaimer: These questions do not necessarily represent what it means to be a dragon to all dragons. Some would disagree (including myself) that senseless destruction, the use of some words, and the ability to breathe fire are not all necessary draconic traits.*shrug* Okay.
Time to see the final results!
Your Draconity Purity Test Results
You answered "yes" to 53 of 100 questions, making you 47.0% draconity pure; that is, you are 47.0% pure in the draconity domain (you have 53.0% dragon in you).
What the shit?
How the fuck do I have less dragon in me than the human who wrote this test?
According to the scoring guide, your draconity experience level is: Heart of a dragon
Hmmm… I wonder what the other possible results are…
0 answers: “Still quite human”
An unthinkable fate.
15 answers: May have had a dragon ancestor
You know, I always found that funny. I love the fact that Chinese emperors would claim that at some point, some distant ancestor of theirs got it on with a giant noodle lizard.
Heart of a dragon comes in at 40 answers.
No offense, but if I had to choose only one part of my body to keep the same if I somehow turned into a human (don't do it, Chuckles, not even as a prank), the heart(s) wouldn’t be my first pick.
55 answers: “Dragon trapped in a human body”
Well, THAT would suck.
70 answers: “Dragon minus the scales”
So, a Pernese or furry dragon, then.
85 answers (and higher): “Fanatic”
I eat, breathe, and sleep dragons!
Your Weirdness Factor (AKA Uniqueness Factor) is 29%, based on a comparison of your test results with 124302 other submissions for this test.
Well, nice to know I’m at least 29% weird.
The average purity for this test is 47.6%.
The first submission for this test was received May 3, 1997.
Daaamn, this is one oldass quiz.
Welp, that’s all for this one. In the end, it’s interesting how little I apparently match up with the human conception of what a “dragon” really is. Perhaps equating us with a mythical creature we just so happen to resemble is a mistake.
But then, there are many a hypothesis claiming we may have somehow inspired these creatures, from beyond the threshold.
In the end, however, not everything has to have an answer.
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