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| This one kind of looks like a screwed-up crocodile. Not nearly as funny as the 1e illustration I found. |
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| Look at what a happy dork this guy is. "A-hyuck, howdy there, adventurerers! Imma swallow you whole, now!" |
Marky: Hey, there!
Paph: So, today’s entry is the Green Dragon. Insert your Kermit the Frog jokes now, kiddoes. Let me begin this shitshow.
Green dragons are bad tempered, mean, cruel, and rude.
Paph: What did I tell you about using a thesaurus, writer? You just said the same thing four different ways. It’d be like if I called someone “smelly, odious, stinking, and putrid”.
They hate goodness and good-aligned creatures. They love intrigue and seek to enslave other woodland creatures, killing those who cannot be controlled or intimidated.
Paph: “GRRRR, HOW DARE HE DONATE TO CHARITY AND FEED STARVING ORPHANS! JUST TO MAKE IT WORSE, HE RESOLVED A CONFLICT WITHOUT KILLING A SINGLE PERSON! I NEED LIES AND DEATH TO SUSTAIN ME!” — A Green D&D dragon, aka your average Republican
Marky: Marky approves.
A hatchling green dragon's scales are thin, very small, and a deep shade of green that appears nearly black. As the dragon ages, the scales grow larger and become lighter, turning shades of forest, emerald, and olive green, which helps it blend in with its wooded surroundings.Paph: Already, we see a lot more effort put into thinking through this guy’s evolution than we did last time.
Marky: Yeah, buuuuut… Is this really necessary? If dragons are apex predators, why do they need camouflage?
Paph: I think they want to frame us as ambush predators.
Marky: But why? Can you even picture a dragon being sneaky?
Paph: I can’t. Under no circumstances is something this big, fat, and loud going to be sneaking up on anything or anyone.
A green dragon's scales never become as thick as other dragons', remaining smooth and flexible.
Paph: I bet they weave that into their pickup lines.
Marky: “You ever snuggle down with a green, before? Softest scales you’ll ever sleep in~”
Paph: And of course, we have the weird languages bit coming up again.
Marky: I really don’t see the point in having to roll for this shit. Like, what does it add?
Paph: It’s 2e! EVERYTHING has to be as randomized as possible!
Combat: Green dragons initiate fights with little or no provocation, picking on creatures of any size.
Paph: So, how’s that any different from your average PC?
If the target creature intrigues the dragon or appears to be difficult to deal with, the dragon will stalk the creature, using its environment for cover, until it determines the best time to strike and the most appropriate tactics to use.
Paph: “Officer, you don’t understand! She was just so intriguing!”
If the target appears formidable, the dragon will first attack with its breath weapon, magical abilities, and spells. However, if the target appears weak, the dragon will make its presence known quickly for it enjoys evoking terror in its targets.
Paph: Sadly, I already used up the Shrek joke for the Black dragon, so no “this is the part where you run away” for this guy.
When the dragon has tired of this game, it will bring down the creature using its physical attacks so the fight lasts longer and the creature's agony is prolonged.
Paph: So, they’re cats, basically.
Marky: These dragons, you can’t just have them be garden-variety evil. They have to be puppy-kicking, candy-stealing, grandma-slappingly absurd levels of evil.
Paph: That’s 2e! *sitcom music plays*
Sometimes, the dragon elects to control a creature, such as a human or demi-human, through intimidation and suggestion. Green dragons like to question men, especially adventurers, to learn more about their society, abilities, what is going on in the countryside, and if there is treasure nearby.
Paph: And what their favorite basketball player is, what they like on their pizza, and whether they ship Cloud with Aerith or Tifa (the correct answer is Tifa).
They’re not unlike how either Copper or Bronze dragons will be portrayed. I think the idea is that chromatics and metallics are supposed to be two sides of the same coin. Hell, I’ve seen house-ruled settings where they switch between the two based on alignment.
Paph: Still doesn’t deal with the fact that it’s encouraging you to judge someone by their literal color.
Breath weapon/special abilities: A green dragon's breath weapon is a cloud of poisonous chlorine gas that is 50' long, 40' wide, and 30 feet high. Creatures within the cloud may save versus breath weapon for half damage. A green dragon casts its spells at 6th level, adjusted by its combat modifier.
Paph: I'm very, VERY glad they specified it as being a breath weapon. Everyone, get out your halitosis jokes now.
From birth, green dragons are immune to gasses. As they age, they gain the following additional powers: Juvenile: water breathing. Adult: suggestion once a day. Mature adult: warp wood three times a day. Old: plant growth once a day. Very old: entangle once a day. Wyrm: pass without trace three times a day.
Marky: Pfff… “warp wood”. *falls over from the giggles*
Paph: Remember, if your wood stays warped for longer than four hours, consult your physician!
Marky: Or it may become deadwood.
Paph: And always use protection, if you don't wanna end up with firewood.
Habitat/Society: Green dragons are found in sub-tropical and temperate forests, the older the forest and bigger the trees, the better. The sights and smells of the woods are pleasing to the dragon, and it considers the entire forest or woods its territory.
Paph: So, they're hippie dragons. I wonder, do you think they make their own soap?
Marky: God I hope so. Er, I mean, Gosh!
*Gosh will remember this.*
Paph: I was going to make a crack that they'd be tea enthusiasts, but then I actually read what Plant Growth does. Sadly, it just makes existing plants into super-plants.
Marky: They can still make your wood hard, though!
Sometimes the dragon will enter into a relationship with other evil forest-dwelling creatures, which keep the dragon informed about what is going on in the forest and surrounding area in exchange for their lives.
Paph: That's just a druid.
If a green dragon lives in a forest on a hillside, it will seek to enslave hill giants, which the dragon considers its greatest enemy.
Paph: HILL GIANTS?! *looks up their height* Hill giants are 16' tall.
Marky: Why am I now picturing a hill giant riding atop a green dragon?
Paph: Hehehe, well, it's a natural thing to assume. Hill giants would probably be wide enough to fit a dragon between their legs, after all~
Marky: Hot dragon-on-hill giant action!
Paph: THAT would be one hell of a player backstory.
Marky: Half-giant/half-dragon! Gosh, I love D&D's hybrid rules.
Paph: Statistics show that *made-up number*% of sorcerers had a dragon for a parent. D&D dergs are such sluts. Totally unlike the real thing~
A green dragon makes its lair in underground chambers far beneath its forest.
The majority of green dragons encountered will be alone. However, when a mated pair of dragons and their young are encountered, the female will leap to the attack. The male will take the young to a place of safety before joining the fight. The parents are extremely protective of their young, despite their evil nature, and will sacrifice their own lives to save their offspring.
Paph: So, we’ve learned that green dragonesses are total mama bears.
Marky: "Despite their evil nature" Are you sure they’re evil? Are you really?
Paph: They've pretty much resorted to slapping an "EEEEEVIL" sticker on everything, at this point.
Marky: Gotta fill that racism quota!
Paph: "Listen here, Writer Johnson, you make damn sure those colored dragons are EVIL!"
“But sir, they’re capable of selflessness and love. Are you sure they’re really inherently-”
“I don’t pay you to ask questions, Johnson! I need a big, evil lizard that players won’t feel bad about killing! GET ON IT, YOU DUCKFUCKER!”
And again, you have to wonder what the hell kind of campaign would lead to you killing some poor hatchling's parents right in front of them (this is the part where the basics start yelling “BUT WHO’S THE REAALL MONSTER, OMG SO DEEP!!!!!1!1”).
Ecology: Although green dragons have been known to eat practically anything, including shrubs and small trees when they are hungry enough, they especially prize elves. If the forest is on a hillside, hill giants will hunt the younger dragons, which they consider a delicacy.
Marky: Elves, part of a dragon's complete breakfast!
Paph: I love the idea of a green dragon that survived hill giants trying to kill and eat it conquering those same giants. I like the thought of making your worst enemy be your bitch, and making their every waking moment a painful reminder of the mistake they made in fucking with you.
Marky: Seems like a pretty fair entry, to me.
Paph: Honestly, while I'd never condone slavery in any context, I like the thought of making your worst enemy be your bitch and making their every waking moment a painful reminder of the mistake they made in fucking with you.
Marky: Revenge is a good dish indeed.
Paph: Indeed~ Honestly, that alone makes Greens pretty cool.
Thanks for being my cohost for this entry, bro!
Marky: Anytime, Big Blue.
Paph: Join me next time, as I talk about
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