Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Black

Crappy gif quality, because that's the only scan I could find of this damned thing!

So, to ease your concerns, I’ll try not to get too offended on other people’s behalf. But, hot diggity damn, is this one a real hot mess.

Black dragons are abusive, quick to anger, and resent intrusions of any kind. They like dismal surroundings, heavy vegetation, and prefer darkness to daylight. Although not as intelligent as other dragons, black dragons are instinctively cunning and malevolent.

*facepalm*

I should’ve expected no less from the same book that has drow in it. Gotta love that they specify “not as intelligent”, in addition to them being angry and violent.

Also, “resent intrusions of any kind”? That’s, uh, basically everyone. I doubt you’d be all that chipper, either, if someone broke into your house with the intent of killing you and stealing your shit.

At birth, a black dragon's scales are thin, small, and glossy. But as the dragon ages, its scales become larger, thicker, and duller, which helps it camouflage itself in swamps and marshes.
Huhhhh…

Grumpy asshole who lives in a swamp, can’t stand intruders…



It’s official, anyone playing a black dragon is required by law to do them in a Scottish accent.

Black dragons speak their own tongue, a tongue common to all evil dragons, and 10% of hatchling black dragons have an ability to communicate with any intelligent creature. The chance to possess this ability increases 5% per age category of the dragon.

Wait, so black dragons have their own language? Who the hell do they speak it to? Are black dragons social enough amongst each other that they require their own tongue, just for them?

Or is “their own tongue” referring to this chromatic dragon language, and the copyeditor just did a shit job with this paragraph? The world may never know!

In the interest of intellectual honesty, I wanna note that every chromatic dragon has this exact text repeated in every entry, with only the colors and percentages changed (at the very least, black dragons don’t have the lowest percentages).

Those above questions can thus be applied to all of them.

Combat: Black dragons prefer to ambush their targets, using their surroundings as cover. Their favorite targets are men, who they will sometimes stalk for several minutes in an attempt to gauge their strength and wealth before attacking.

So, attacking women isn’t as fun, for them? I know they mean “men” as in “humans”, but my pedantic jikhri demands blood.

Against a band of men or a formidable creature, older black dragons will use their special abilities first so the very forces of the marsh can weaken the targets before the dragon joins the fight.

In other words, if the malaria they get from the skeeters doesn’t kill them, the dragon will.

Black dragons will also use their breath weapon before closing in melee. When fighting in heavily vegetated swamps and marshes, black dragons attempt to stay in the water or along the ground; the numerous trees and leafy canopies limit their flying maneuverability.

“Pa, look at that big black alligator!” “Stand back, boy, that ain’t no gator…”

When faced with an opponent which poses too much of a threat, a black dragon will attempt to fly out of sight, so it will not leave tracks, and hide in a deep pond or bog.

Huh, interesting tactic. Still, part of me wonders how long they have to fly before they stop dripping swamp crud everywhere.

Breath weapon/special abilities: A black dragon's breath weapon is a 5' wide stream of acid that extends 60' in a straight line from the dragon's head. All creatures caught in this stream must save vs. breath weapon for half damage. A black dragon casts spells and uses its magical abilities at 5th level, plus its combat modifier.

Yep, so not only does it live in the most disgusting places it can find, but it attacks by puking acid. I wonder if they’re metal fans.

Black dragons are born with an innate water breathing ability and an immunity to acid.

So, wait, these guys have gills? Or can they just hold their breaths for a really long time?

As they age, they gain the following additional powers:

Juvenile: darkness three times a day in a 10' radius per age category of the dragon.

DARKNESS IMPRISONING ME
ALL THAT I SEE
ABSOLUTE HORROR

Adult: corrupt water once a day. For every age category a dragon attains, it can stagnate 10 cubic feet of water, making it become still, foul, inert, and unable to support animal life. When this ability is used against potions and elixirs, they become useless if they roll a 15 or better on 1d20.

Ewwwwwww. You know, this entire entry is correlating very strongly with AD&D’s “if it’s evil, it’s stinky and gross” paradigm. Seriously, what is with these monsters and their hygiene issues? At least this entry doesn’t tack on something about black dragons having a body odor problem, too.

Old: plant growth once a day.

I like the idea of a black dragon helping preserve a rain forest by revitalizing the plants surrounding it. Rain forests are pretty places, but the heat and humidity makes them fucking awful to actually be in.

Kinda perfect for these guys, actually. I wonder if there isn’t some eco-activist black dragon, somewhere.

Venerable: summon insects once a day.

YO, are you kidding me? That’s actually really badass! Imagine inflicting a swarm of driver ants on some fool to eat them alive! Or have a fuckton of hornets sting them to death.

Basically this. Actually, an Oprah Winfrey dragon randomly giving away parts of her hoard could be hilarious in itself. “Everyone gets a silver-plated halfling skull! YOU get a skull, YOU get a skull!”

Great wyrm: charm reptiles three times a day. This operates as a charm mammals spell, but is applicable only to reptiles.
Oh, uh. Well, that’s… Yeah, that’s cool too.

Look, I’m sorry, but it’s hard to top summoning BEES, and charming reptiles just doesn’t cut it.

Habit/Society: Black dragons are found in swamps, marshes, rain forests, and jungles. They revel in a steamy environment where canopies of trees filter out most of the sunlight, swarms of insects fill the air, and stagnant moss-covered ponds lie in abundance.

See? Rain forests! Just as I said!

Black dragons are excellent swimmers and enjoy lurking in the gloomy depths of swamps and bogs. They also are graceful in flight; however, they prefer to fly at night when their great forms are hidden by the darkness of the sky.

In other words, they’d be Azoyarekhi and Thoyarekhi champs.
… Wait, shit, is this thing implying...?

I'm very proud of this.

Black dragons are extremely selfish, and the majority of those encountered will be alone. When a family of black dragons is encountered, the adults will protect their young.

Well it’s nice to know they’re not neglectful pare-

However, if it appears the adults' lives are in jeopardy they will abandon their young to save themselves.

Oh, nevermind.

They lair in large, damp caves and multi-chambered subterranean caverns. Older dragons are able to hide the entrance to their lairs with their plant growth ability.

Nothing too out-of-the-ordinary, there.

Black dragons are especially fond of coins. Older black dragons sometimes capture and question humans, before killing them, to find out where stockpiles of gold, silver, and platinum coins are kept.

Weird that they don’t specifically mention torture. I guess it’s not as sadistic if they just kill you rather than slowly torture you to death. Are we meant to assume the torture?

Or maybe black dragons aren’t so much cruel as they are just abrasive and intolerant.

Well, surely they can’t squeeze anything else offensive in the last paragraph…

Ecology: Black dragons can eat almost anything, although they prefer to dine primarily on fish, mollusks, and other aquatic creatures. They are fond of eels, especially the giant varieties. They also hunt for red meat, but they like to "pickle" it by letting it lie in ponds within their lair for days before eating it.

HA! You thought there WAS gonna be something horrible, didn’t you?

… Okay that’s still GROSS, but still. To each their own. There are people who eat casu marzu (don’t look that up), raw oyster, and balut (REALLY don’t look that one up). I don’t think they have any room to judge.

Overall, these guys are metal as fuck, and once you remove the problematic elements, you’ve got one truly badass wyrm who just wants a little privacy. Thankfully, the problematic elements are easy enough to excise, even if I wish they weren’t there in the first place.

Tune in next time, when we cover the blue, and I can be offended on my OWN behalf!