After bearing witness to some truly severe anti-draconic stereotypes, we’ve reached the halfway point of this hella long entry. Let’s see if it can get any worse from here.
Dragon Hide: Dragon skin is prized by armorers with the skill to turn it into shields and armor, valuable because of its appearance and the protection it affords. Dragon armor grants its wearer an Armor Class of 4 less than the Armor Class of the dragon it was taken from, for a minimum Armor Class of 8.
Yes, it sure can.
Who the fuck wrote this, Ed Gein?!
These are sapient beings you’re talking about skinning and making clothes from! I don’t see you talking about making elf-hide purses, or using dwarf skulls as ashtrays.
For example, armor from a juvenile brass dragon (AC O) grants its wearer AC 4. Dragon armor is supple and non-bulky, weighing only 25 pounds.
Who fucking statted up the properties of armor made from children? And they don’t even get the “oh, it’s an EVIL colored dragon, so it’s okay” excuse, since they clearly mention a brass dragon.
Are we going to talk about how to harvest dragon fat for lamp oil, next? How about tips on what spices go best with braised dragon tail?
I get the feeling the only reason these degenerates stopped just short of talking about how to make stuffed dragon heads into waterspouts is because they were running out of page le—
Hang on, Mikks is yapping about adding something… Dragon Magazine #332? Page 49?
Wow. Somehow, years later, they escalated from fantasy hate-literature to actual fucking Azathasskarath manuals.
… I’m gonna stop this train of thought before I spout something racist about humans.
Dragon Senses: All dragons have excellent senses of sight, smell, and hearing. Their enhanced senses enable them to detect all invisible objects and creatures (including creatures or items hidden in darkness or fog) within a radius equal to 10 feet times their age category.
Wait, so if a dragon can see it, it’s not really invisible, is it?
All dragons possess a natural clairaudience ability with respect to their lairs; the range is 20 feet per age category. The dragon must concentrate on a specific section within its lair or surrounding area to hear what is going on.
Wait, so how does that work?
Like, what determines what qualifies as a dragon’s lair? Is it time spent there? Does the dragon have to consciously lay claim to it?
Some dragons are able to communicate telepathically with any intelligent creature. The percentage chance for a dragon to speak is based on its Intelligence and age category. Refer to individual descriptions for percentages.
Wait, so you had to roll to see whether a dragon could/would talk? Are these non-talkative dergs just mute, or flat-out non-sapient? Could a D&D 2e dragon have a sibling that’s just a big, mindless scaly beast? That’s a horrific thought.
Dragon Lairs: All dragon lairs are far from mortal civilization, and they are difficult to find because the dragons take careful measures to cloak their coming and going.
No shit! I’d live as far away as possible from any chucklefucks who’d want to kill me and harvest my body.
Also, the writer still doesn’t know what the word “mortal” means. If it has a set lifespan, no matter how long, it’s mortal. That’s what mortality is, having an inevitable death.
Hell, even real-life dragons are just “medically immortal”, since our bodies would literally break under their own weight once we hit 1000 without medical help.
Since I doubt these guys can live indefinitely by hacking off parts of their body and reshaping the remaining flesh into replacements, D&D dragons are by definition mortal.
There is usually little, if any, wildlife around the lairs because neighboring creatures fear the dragons, and most dragons eat the few creatures that are foolish enough to remain.
If there’s little wildlife around a dragon’s lair, what do they eat? How far out do they fly to go hunting? Also, if you can eat damn near anything, wouldn’t it make sense to try farming?
Just pull the plow yourself (which is exactly what we did, historically), attach a scytheblade to your tail (again, what we did), and use Mage Hand to do everything you’d need hands for (we already have hands, so we didn’t do this part).
You can have the kobolds tend to the livestock, since said livestock is less likely to be terrified of the little squeaky people than the giant lizard (again, like we did. Okay, maybe it’s unfair to criticize a fictional dragon lifestyle when the author didn’t have a real one for reference).
When a young adult dragon leaves its parents in search of its own lair, it spends a few years moving from place to place to find a cave or cavern which best suits its personality.
Huh, so pretty much just like real house-hunting, then.
Do they make sure they legally own whatever cave they reside in? I know in my case, I had to go through a hell of a lot of hoops to secure my cave. “But nobody owns it!” you may cry.
Trust me, someone does.
And if I ever hear the phrase “adverse possession” again, I’ll chuck my chili.
In most cases, the dragons search for increasingly larger caves which can easily accommodate them as they grow.
How many disposable unclaimed caves are there? After the legal song-and-dance I went through to secure mine, I’d rather dig it in myself than vacate.
Usually by the time a dragon has reached the mature adult stage, it has selected a large lair it plans to keep for the remainder of its life. A dragon at this stage has gathered a considerable amount of treasure and is loath to move it to a different location.
How do they gather it? Treasure doesn’t grow on trees. Do they mine for it? Do they go on adventures? Steal it? Play the stock market? You’d think they’d spend it on making the place nicer, maybe actually hire a few guards. Even I like to decorate my little corner of the underground.
The location and character of dragon lairs vary based on each subspecies; consult individual dragons for specific information.
The silvers probably have a zillion crosses hanging on the blanch-white walls of their abodes.
However, one thing remains constant: any dragon considers its lair and neighboring areas its domains. A creature which violates or threatens the lair is threatening the dragon and will be dealt with harshly.
Well, that’s understandable. I myself have a wing of my hoard dedicated to would-be cat burglars, assassins, and other such permanent residents.
Some good dragons may be more lenient than other subspecies in this matter.
Siiiiiiiiigh.
All dragons keep their treasure hidden deep within their lairs, and some dragons create hazardous conditions within their lair to keep unwary creatures from reaching the treasure.
That’s sensible. As for me?
I am the hazardous conditions.
… Okay, and my bolds like to put Home Alone-style traps around the place for the unwary.
Dragon Flight: Despite their large size, dragons are graceful and competent fliers; most are maneuverability class C. This is due partially to their powerful wings, and partially to the dragon's innate magic. Dragons can climb at half speed and dive at double speed.
Ahh, of course, “it’s magic” is how we fly. Never mind the heat and gases our bodies produce to take off, it’s all just magic! Silly scientists.
Dragon Table
Age (in Category
years)
1 Hatchling
0-5
2 Very young
6-15
3 Young
16-25
4 Juvenile
26-50
5 Young adult
51-100
6 Adult
101-200
7 Mature adult
201-400
8 Old
401-600
9 Very old
601-800
10 Venerable
801-1,000
11 Wyrm
1,001-1,200
12 Great Wyrm
1,200+
The secret 13th age category is “I fucking give up”.
Take a moment to appreciate the fact that there’s five different levels of “old” that these dragons can be.
Dragon Fear: Dragons can inspire panic or fear. The mere sight of a young adult or older dragon causes creatures with fewer than 1 Hit Die (as well as all noncarnivorous, nonaggressive creatures with fewer Hit Dice than the dragon) to automatically flee in panic for 4d6 rounds.
Yeah, that’s about how it goes, half the time. Look, you guys invented the expression “so cute I could eat you up”, don’t act like I’m the clueless one for using it.
Trained war mounts, organized military units, and single creatures with 1 Hit Die or more, but with fewer Hit Dice than the dragon are not panicked, but they may be stricken with fear if they are within the dragon's fear aura.
“Hey, Leroy, how come people shit their pants and run when a dragon shows up?” “Uhhhhh… magic?”
“You mean it’s not because dragons can grow to be the size of a football field and can eat us all like popcorn?”
“Dammit, Leroy, quit talking about those imaginary sports of yours! People are afraid of dragons because magic!”
Gem dragons are not as inherently fearsome as other dragons, so saving throws against their fear auras receive bonuses; the bonuses appear in parenthesis in the Dragon Table.
I dunno, man, the Steven Universe fandom is fucking terrifying.
Dragon Hit Die Modifier: Dragon Hit Dice vary between subspecies and are modified based on age category. Refer to individual dragon entries for the base Hit Dice for each species, and to the Dragon Table for the modifier based on age. The older a dragon gets, the more Hit Dice it has. For example, a black dragon has a base of 10 Hit Dice. A hatchling black dragon subtracts 6 dice, giving it a total of 4. A great wyrm black dragon adds 8 dice for a total of 18.
Again, with the statting up children. What the fuck is wrong with you people?
Snatch: Only young adult and older dragons can snatch. This occurs when a flying dragon dives and attempts to grab a creature in one of its claws. . . . Snatched creatures are sometimes taken to great heights and dropped.
Sweet, snatch ‘em up like a condor!
The snatched creature can be squeezed in the claw for automatic claw damage each round, or transferred to the dragon's mouth (the transfer requires a successful attack roll).
I like where this is going~
If the transfer succeeds, the victim automatically suffers bite damage each round; if it fails, the victim is dropped.
Oof, nevermind. I’m more of a “swallow whole” kind of guy, myself.
Plummet: If the DM chooses to allow plummets, an airborne dragon, or a dragon jumping and descending from at least 30 feet above a target, can land on a victim. The dragon crushes and pins opponents using its claws and tail, inflicting damage equal to its bite. The dragon can crush as many creatures as its combat modifier.
OOF. Honestly, I think a dragon landing on someone in any capacity would be enough to kill them then and there. I don’t exaggerate my chub in the pictures, dragons really are that fat.
Kick: Any dragon can kick creatures attacking it from behind. A kick delivers claw damage, and creatures struck must roll their Dexterity or less on 1d20 or be kicked back 1d6 feet,+1 foot per age category of the dragon.
Pffffff, damn. As if getting kicked by a mule wasn't bad enough. I’m picturing Murderhobo Johnson just flying across the room, full ragdoll physics on display.
This is the last interesting part I could find.
Whew, that was one hell of a prelude!
That’s right, we’re FAR from done with this monstrosity.
Tune in next time, when we’ll be discussing Black Dragons!
... What? I'm doing this in the order the MM presents.
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