Rambling About Angels With Scaly Wings

I don’t really have an apt illustration for any of the points I’m going to be making, so have a Remy I drew for giggles. Full size: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/33759932/

I was considering doing a retrospective post of some kind, but I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to write. Nobody’s making me do one, so sorry if you were expecting that.

Anyway, here’s a post I’ve had on the backburner for a while, about one of my favorite games. This post leans more towards the “critical analysis” side of copy, rather than a true review.

If you’re looking for a review, here it is:

This game is flawed, but truly special and charming. Go play it.

Now, with that out of the way, if you haven’t played this game already, skip this post entirely and go do it.

I mean it. The article won’t even make sense if you aren’t familiar with the game.

SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRE GAME

I’M DEAD SERIOUS, READ NO FURTHER THAN THE JUMP IF YOU DON’T WANT THIS GAME’S MANY SURPRISES RUINED FOR YOU.

Windows Shareware Disk Showcase: Ultimate House of Games for Windows, Part 2

Here we go again, back with more shareware games to tear into!

Klotz:

Ooh, “Klotz”, huh? Sounds like a puzzle game. I wonder what new and exciting concept this will bring!

It’s another motherfucking Tetris clone.

Windows Shareware Disk Showcase: Ultimate House of Games for Windows, Part 1

It's been a while since my last vidya game post, hasn't it? Well, that's what happens when you write a blog where anything goes. You know, I think I should make that my blog's subtitle: The Blog of Anything Goes.

By now, I’m sure any 21st century Earthlings reading these posts have a few questions. Like, why do I have such a nostalgia for all this crap that became obsolete centuries before I was born? Let me explain.

See, in the aftermath of the Fusion, one of the ways the two worlds started getting to know each other was by trade. The most vital commodity we traded was knowledge.

As we grew to learn each other’s languages and cultures, we taught each other what we knew. It started, of course, with things like what was safe to eat, how to prepare it, and how to make antivenom for that nasty yophakhi sting.

Once we got that part down, we got technological. Earth taught us about things like electronics and rocket science, and we taught them what we know about medicine, biology, and how to use the Art of Change.

One convenient stepping-stone in our wrangling of Earth tech was to buy older, simpler examples of it and the documentation thereof in order to dissect and reconstruct it with our own methods.

Thus, over the next few decades, we began our climb when it came to melding the arts of electronics and transmutation. Our climb was much faster, for we had the shoulders of giants as footholds.

And that’s why my first computer was one of these fucking things.

Even the art of transmutation can’t make this thing less shitty. Photo belongs to one Clicsouris (CC BY-SA 3.0). https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Musee_de_l'Informatique_-_Exposition_25_ans_du_Mac_16.jpg

Back in the days when they were still replacing the old infrastructure for the internet, shareware disks got a new lease on life. Only ones I remember personally having as a ‘net were the eGames Galaxy ones, though.

Thankfully, since Archive.org’s servers weathered those decades like a champ, I can dig around and find some more of that good ol’ late 20th century crustiness. With a VM in tow, let’s take a trip back in time.

You’ve seen the Silver Surfer, now witness the might of the Silicon… uh, Sucker.

The one we’ll be looking at today is called Ultimate House of Games for Windows.

13 Game Print Ads Nobody Else Talks About

So, I read Cassidy’s Top Five Worst Games Print Ads, and my brain said “Paph! You’ve gotta do a post about print ads!"

I told my brain, “But everyone does that! Between bad video game covers and commercials, print ads are the most commonly-mocked target on the internet. If nothing else, I strive not to be redundant. There’s nothing new I could add to the plethora of 'Top Worst' lists out there.”

My brain said “Oh. But, Paph, you’ve gotta write about print ads!”

Well, I couldn’t argue with that logic. So, I started digging to see if there were any interesting ones that nobody’s talked about. Note that these aren’t the “top” of any kind of ads, nor are all of them bad. As long as they’re remarkable in some way, they belong here.

Many of these scans come from VGMuseum (http://www.vgmuseum.com/ads). Special thanks go to Oli, AnakinVdr, gfrankwick, and Mek.

* Cuthbert Enters the Tombs of Doom (Commodore 64)

Ahhhh, C64 video game box art. The fun thing about computer games back then was, anyone could make them; the only barrier to entry was finding a publisher. There was also no barrier of entry when it came to package art.

DRAGONET Mini-Reviews

So, while my other articles have been gestating, I noticed that the ones that seemed closest to realization weren’t game-related.

Two consecutive non-game-related articles in a row after joining Game & Love didn’t seem right, so I figured I’d throw together a few quickie reviews for pre-Fusion Earth games starring dragons in a new bit called:

Same rules as my “Dragons as Protagonists” (Prodragonists?) series apply:

1. The main player character must be a dragon (with exactly one exception I'll be getting to later). No dragon riders allowed.

2. NO SHIFTERS. Shifters do not count as dragons. To define a shifter: a shifter is a dragon that can take on human or mostly-human form. Dragons taking anthro form is fine, so long as it's an anthro dragon like in real life. Exceptions can be made for games where 100% of the actual gameplay loop is spent as a dragon (a la Dragon Spirit).

3. I must finish at least one round of gameplay before starting the review.

4. Given that these are video games, I'm not going to knock them for being inaccurate. Back then, there was no "inaccurate". As long as the game itself is solid, I will look over any breaks from reality.

For each of these, I’ve adapted The CRPG Addict’s [link: https://crpgaddict.blogspot.com/] GIMLET system, in my case called DRAGONET.

Categories 1-6 are given a score from 1 to 10.

The Disjointed, Nihilistic Pantomime of Sonic 2 8-Bit (Warning for LOTS of images)

Literally only one thing on this cover ever actually happens in this game.

I've always felt a kinship with Sonic the Hedgehog, and I think it has more to it than both of us being blue, impatient, and autistic (okay, maybe I'm just projecting that last one).

The confidence this guy exudes, his unflinching can-do attitude in the face of impossible odds, and his free-spirited nature always resonated with my soft-scaled, awkward self ever since my hands first formed.

It only makes sense, then, that the second post on this blog would be about the 8-bit game that calls itself Sonic 2! Except it isn't, because it has nothing to do with that game apart from having the same name.

None of the improvements Sonic 2 introduced to the series are in this game: no Spin Dash, no Super Sonic, no Death Egg. This is as barebones a sequel to the first game as you could imagine.

As a first outing from Aspect, who later went on to create the beloved Sonic Chaos and Triple Trouble, Sonic 2 8-bit is... lacking. Yet, it's always stuck in the back of my mind, ever since I got my paws on a Game Gear as a hatchie (those scratches and minor scorch marks were there when I got it, I swear).

This game has a bizarre quality to it that I've never been able to pin down. It keeps me coming back to it every so often, soaking in its surreal, now-comfortingly hostile atmosphere.

Somehow, by virtue of sloppy game design, a few half-baked ideas, and bizarre decisions on the part of the development team, this game accidentally becomes a powerful nihilistic pantomime.