Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Emerald Dragon

The hell is this guy smiling about? It’s less like the Amethyst’s “smug asshole” smile, and more like “I’m going to flay you alive and turn your skin into a jacket”.

They wanna play with mah ehmowuld? They playin' with the wrong guy! I wanted to make a joke about them being Chaotic Emeralds, but the spoilsports who wrote this made them Lawful. Boo.

Anyway, turns out I made a massive miscalculation in my NaNoWriMo wordcount, and realized I actually had way more done than I thought. Meaning, I had way more time to actually write this. And since I pop these babies out faster than EA popped out Madden sequels, this’ll be a cinch.


Emerald dragons are very curious, particularly about local history and customs, but prefer to only observe.

So, he’s the guy who shows up at a party, but never actually interacts with anyone. In other words, pretty much me.

They are the most paranoid of the gem dragons, and do not like people get too close to their treasure.

I’m sorry, but what dragon likes when people get close to their treasure? … Okay, maybe snuggling up on the plushie pile with someone could count.

Emerald dragons have translucent green scales at birth. As they age, the scales harden and take on many shades of green.
So, pretty much the same deal as the others, but now green.

They scintillate in light, and the dragon's hide seems to be in constant motion.
Yikes, keep this guy away from anyone with epilepsy.

Racial tongues, though I should point out how I neglected to mention that the copy for the gem dragons is much more clearly written.

Emerald dragons speak their own tongue and the tongue common to all gem dragons.
So, you could reasonably assume this is the idea the writers were trying to get across with the Chromatics. Why they didn’t go back and edit those entries accordingly is beyond me.

Combat: Emerald dragons usually set up traps and alarms around their lairs to warn them of visitors.
So, just a normal security system. Also, is “visitors” really the right word, when you need to be warned about them?

They often hide from intruders, using special abilities to observe, and seldom come out to speak.
Aaaaand this isn’t normal? Think about it, if someone breaks into your house, you’re not going to go rushing to meet them and say “Hi, there, buddy! Can I get you a nice hot mocha?”

If intruders attack or approach the dragon's treasure, the dragon burrows underneath to surprise its victims, then use breath weapon and claws, seeking to quickly disable as many as it can.
YO. Finally, an entry that doesn’t just say “WELL, FIRST THEY FIGHT FROM A DISTANCE…”

If faced with superior forces, the dragon retreats, waiting years for revenge if necessary.
Ooh, that’s such a good, ominous way to end that sentence. I like the implication that it might just wait and attack your kids instead.

Breath weapon/special abilities: An emerald dragon's breath weapon is a loud, keening wail which sets up a sonic vibration affecting all creatures within 120 feet of the dragon's mouth.
So, you’re saying its breath weapon is literally just crying like a little bitch until it makes everyone else’s ears explode.

Those in the area can save vs. breath weapons for half damage from the painful vibrations. Victims must make a second saving throw vs. breath weapon or be stunned, unable to defend or attack, for three rounds per age level of the dragon, plus 1d4 rounds. Those who successfully save are deafened and disoriented instead, for a like amount of time, and at -1 to attack rolls.

I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

Pictured, an Emerald Dragon’s breath weapon in action

Deafness does not protect one from vibratory damage, but pre-vents stunning or additional deafness.
Deafness also doesn’t pre-vent un-necessary hyphens.

Emerald dragons are born with an innate flame walk ability.
They’d totally use this as a party trick, if they had any social skills whatsoever.

and an immunity to sound-based attacks.
I should hope so!
As they age, they gain the following additional powers:

Ah, yes, the part of the blog where I have to do actual research and look up what the hell these spells do in 2e so I can look like I know what I’m talking about.

Young: audible glamer three times a day.
Ahhh, ventriloquism. Another party trick he could use, had he the nerve. Also, that’s not how you spell “glamour”, editor.

Juvenile: hypnotism three times a day.
Yet another party trick he could use.

Adult: Melf's minute meteors three times a day.
And of course, the BEST party trick, throwing little fireballs at your friends.

Mature adult: hold person three times a day.
Comes in handy when playing freeze tag.

Venerable: animate rock once a day.
In other words, he randomly turns into Ludo from Labyrinth once a day. Neat.

Great wyrm: geas once a day.
Daaaamn, this one suddenly got metal. Geas is literally “Do this thing I tell you to do, or else you fucking die.” Old emerald dragons don’t fuck around. It’s really easy to think of a few nefarious ways to use this.

Hypnotism and geas are effected by the dragon's skilled rippling movement of its scales.
So, it’s literally just mind controlling you with its shiny-ass scales.

Aaaaand FUCK OFF, PSIONICS TABLE.

Habitat/Society: Emerald dragons are reclusive, making lairs in the cones of extinct or seldom active volcanoes.
Seldom active volcanoes?! I’m sorry, but “seldom” is still “occasional” for a dragon. I sure as hell wouldn’t move into a cave that only sometimes gets flooded with magma.

These dragons are protective parents and prefer their young to stay in the lair as long as possible for mutual protection.
That’s what all helicopter parents say.

Emerald dragons sometimes live near sapphire dragons, and they fear the voracious greed of red dragons.
Something something colorism something something performative outrage.

Ecology: Emerald dragons will eat anything, but prefer lizards and giants. They are actively hostile towards fire giants.
Wait, just any kind of lizard? Do they not have a particular taste for, say, monitor lizards over geckos? Also, dragons and giants just do not like each other at all in this setting, damn.

Next time, we’ll be covering the Super Emerald Sapphire Dragon !