Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Crystal Dragon

Well, Halloween has come and gone, and now we’re left with the rest of the Gem Dragons to cover.

Hopefully, the Amethyst dragon was the worst of them.

Crystal dragons are the friendliest of the gem dragons, always curious about the world. Though they seldom seek out company, they willingly converse with visitors who do not try to steal from them.

Okay, so friendly yet introverted. That’s… a massive step up from the Amethyst. Also, basically just me.

At birth, crystal dragons have glossy white scales. As the dragons age, their scales become translucent.

Wait, translucent? So, they’re basically shiny rainbow dragons (which is funny, since Rainbow Dragons actually did exist as a separate entity in 2e— and yes, I will be talking about it).

Moonlight and starlight causes their scales to luminesce, while bright sunlight lends them a dazzling brilliance which makes crystal dragons almost unbearable to look at.

Oh, so basically they’re like the Twilight vampires, but dragons. What I’m getting so far is that they’re incredibly pretty and shiny.

And again, racial tongue.

Combat: Crystal dragons greatly prefer conversation to combat,

Their preferred breath weapon is elocution!

and often use charm person early in any conversation.

Wait, what? Keep in mind how OP Charm Person was in 2e, potentially lasting for days on end. It’s pretty much a “make anyone immediately like me” spell. So, basically, they’re super pretty people whom everyone immediately likes. Hmmm…

They do not initially hide, but if visitors become hostile, a crystal dragon will retreat immediately to observe its enemies with its special abilities, and plan an attack.

Does it use its breath weapon first?

Often, it uses its breath weapon first, to weaken and disorient enemies.

YEP!

Spells and other abilities are used as needed, with claws and bite a last resort.

Don’t wanna get their nails broken. You know, I should start a running tally of identical dragon tactics. That is, I should start a tally, but I don’t trust myself to actually keep track of it.

Breath weapon/special abilities: This dragon's breath weapon is a cone of glowing shards; the cone is 60 feet long, 5 feet wide at the dragon's mouth, and 25 feet wide at the base.

So, it’s pretty much a Broken Glass Dragon. Also, do you think crystal dragon shards get sold as counterfeit diamonds? Actually, you think they shit diamonds like the dragons in Lunar?

Creatures caught in the blast can save vs. breath weapon for half damage, and must make a second saving throw vs. breath weapon or be blinded by the dazzling shards for one turn per age level of the dragon.

“AUGH, THEY’RE GETTING IN MY EYES”

The shards shine as bright as daylight, and can be seen for miles.

One, we get it. They’re shiny, shiny, so fucking shiny. They’re fucking sparkleponies, they’re so goddamned shiny. I’m surprised they’re not swarmed by ravens, for so much shininess.

Two, that’s really inefficient; it would alert everything around to your presence. Basically, if you attack with that, everyone instantly knows where you are.

Creatures within 60 feet must save vs. breath weapon or be dazzled, incurring a penalty of -2 to attack rolls for one turn per age level of the dragon.

“Do I dazzle you?”

A crystal dragon casts spells and uses magical abilities at 5th level, plus its combat modifier.
Crystal dragons are born immune to light-based attacks and normal cold, and able to cast charm person at will.


At will?! No “use this ability 3 times a day” bullshit, just straight-up whenever you fucking want. Wow. Wow.

As they age, they gain these additional powers: Juvenile: color spray three times a day.

Again, it really feels like this thing wanted to be the Rainbow Dragon.

Mature adult: suggestion three times a day.

Wait, you already have Charm Person at will. Isn’t Suggestion a little redundant? Like “Oh, you’re not doing what I say even after I Charm you? How about you do what I say NOW?”

Very old: luckscale once a day. This allows the dragon to enchant one of its scales as a stone of good luck. The enchantment lasts one hour per age category of the dragon. Such scales are given to friendly visitors.

Even its cast-off scales are lucky, albeit temporarily.

Wyrm: control winds three times a day.

He can only hold back his- no, no, not even going there.

This time, I’ll actually talk about the psionics briefly, since it’s not so absurdly large as the last assclown we reviewed.

Clairsentience - Sciences: clairaudience, clairvoyance, precognition.

So, the general idea I’m getting from these guys is “We sure as hell love to just watch shit happen, and we have a ton of powers to make that happen! Hell, I can even see shit that hasn’t happened yet! Fuck causality, am I right?”

So, an impossibly pretty dragon that has the power to make you like it whenever it wants, whose shed scales are good luck charms, can see the future, and it breathes shiny crystals.

I’m not saying it’s a Mary Sue, but it’s close.

Oh, right, we’ve got one more category to do.

Habitat/Society: Crystal dragons prefer cold, open areas with clear skies, and they enjoy stargazing. They have been known to build snow forts, create beautiful snow sculptures, and throw balls of snow at various targets.

Okay, this is pretty much the cute parts of the White dragon multiplied by ten.

They are fun-loving and mischievous.

In the wrong hands, this could easily be turned into “utterly insufferable”.

Crystal dragons are reasonably good parents, if somewhat irresponsible.

You need to be a bit more specific. Like, how irresponsible are we talking? Are we talking “I let my kids eat dirt because it’s not going to kill them” level, or “I let my kids shoot squirrels with the BB gun” level?

Crystal dragons are hunted by some white dragons.

Man, why’s the white dragon gotta bring the crystal dragon down?

However, a rare crystal dragon will adopt a young white dragon, to teach it to be friendly.

Wait. That’s… Actually a really fucking good thing to do. No, seriously, this is something you never hear any of the other entries talk about. Every other non-chromatic entry will, if chromatics are mentioned, talk about them only in terms of “they kill each other”.

This the only time this sort of scenario is ever brought up.

And this isn’t even one of the “good” dragons,these guys are supposed to be “Chaotic Neutral”, despite nothing about their description really suggesting anything but sweetness and sunshine.

This line alone has so many implications; the idea that chromatic dragons don’t have to be “evil”, even if it means imitating the “non-evil” ones.

Of course, this carries the horrible implication of “you’re a chromatic, you should be ashamed of that, and you should imitate the other kinds of dragon that were kind enough to take you in against their better judgment”.

Eugh.

Ecology: Crystal dragons prefer gems and metal ores to all other foods.

I mean, okay.

All my (somewhat forced) snark aside, this dragon’s pretty inoffensive. It’s a bit like something someone’s preteen daughter made up. All in all, it’s something I think that, if I met one, I wouldn’t mind hanging out with.

That one detail, though, is interesting.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Rules:

1. Be civil. No misogyny/racism/general bigotry, no flame-baiting. If you wouldn't say it to my face, don't say it here.

2. This site is hosted in Earth's past (thank you, Mikks), so please don't notify me about the dates being screwy. I already know. Also, Earthlings from the past will likely comment here and be a little confused, so please show 'em a little patience.

3. No anonymous comments. Click the "Name/URL" option, enter a name, and leave the URL blank.