Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Red

This guy looks less like a red scaled dragon, and more like a scaleless with a really bad sunburn.

So, let’s be real about this one.

Red dragons, in D&D, are just Smaug.

There’s really nothing else to it, they’re just Smaug, right down to the fire-breathing, greed, and ego.

After we’ve explored dragons that have the power to control BEES, desert dragons with camouflage that makes more sense than I thought it did (see my amendment to that post), and nature-loving dragons who literally enslave their natural enemies, just plain ol’ Smaug is gonna seem a little dull by comparison.

Red dragons are the most covetous and greedy of all dragons, forever seeking to increase their treasure hoards.

Isn’t that all of us?

They are obsessed with their wealth and memorize an inventory accurate to the last copper.

So, what you’re saying is that they’d be perfect for Wall Street.

They are exceptionally vain and self confident, considering themselves superior not only to other dragons, but to all other life in general.

Literally everything you’re describing is “dragon stereotype, but MORE”.

When red dragons hatch, their small scales are a bright glossy scarlet.

You know, I’m wondering; can chromatic dragons interbreed at all in this setting? If they can, what happens if they do? Do you get something like Lady and the Tramp’s ending, where any given child resembles one and only one of their parents?

Do their scale colors mix? What determines breath weapons? Do chromatics come in differing shades? Could a white and red dragon mix result in a pink dragon?

Because of this, they can be quickly spotted by predators and men hunting for skins, so they are hidden in deep underground lairs and not permitted to venture outside until toward the end of their young stage when their scales become turned a deeper red, the glossy texture has been replaced by a smooth, dull finish, and they are more able to take care of themselves.

Whoa, whoa, writer, slow down. That’s one hell of a run-on sentence.

Note that the “young” stage for D&D’s dragons doesn’t end until they’re 25. As of this writing, I’d only be just now allowed to leave the cave if I were one of these guys. There’s helicopter parenting, and then there’s this.

As the dragon continues to age, they are more able to take care of themselves. As the dragon continues to age, the scales become large thick, and as strong as metal.

Dude, you’re literally just restating the last part of that sentence in two short ones that don’t need to be separate.

Also, guess what? Here comes the language copy again, and it’s still as badly-worded as always!

Combat: Because red dragons are so confident, they never pause to appraise an adversary.

That’s probably because they were never allowed to actually fend for themselves.

When they notice a target they make a snap decision whether to attack, using one of many "perfect" strategies worked out ahead of time in the solitude of their lairs.

So, do they ever actually modify their strategies if they fail? Or are they so deluded that they believe any failure on their part to be a fluke? Probably the latter, given what I’m getting from this description. I don't care how badass and huge these guys are, inability to adapt is a recipe for extinction.

However, if a red dragon encounters a group of armored men, it will use its breath weapon, special abilities, and spells (if it is old enough to have them) before landing.

But what about armored women? I’m not remotely sorry.

I’d be a little worried if all that shit somehow didn’t kill them all long before I could even land. Maybe carry something with you that can be used as an extra weapon? Maybe carry reinforcements on your back?

Breath weapon/special abilities: A red dragon's breath weapon is a searing cone of fire 90' long, 5' wide at the dragon's mouth and 30' at the base.

Why, a dragon breathing fire? Gol-lee, who’da thunk it.

Creatures struck by the flames must save versus breath weapon for half damage. Red dragons cast spells at 9th level, adjusted by their combat modifiers.

Wait, so does that mean they gain spellcasting abilities at level 9, or that all their spells are cast at level 9?

Red dragons are born immune to fire.

You ever think reds would make good firefighters? It seems counterintuitive, but all they’d have to do is just not breathe fire while they’re dashing in to save people.

Though, that prompts a different question; are they immune to complications from smoke inhalation? Could they theoretically die from their own smoke, simply because they thought “HA! My flames *COUGH!* can’t *COUGH!* harm me! *HACK!*” That would be weirdly fitting.

As they age, they gain the following additional powers: Young: affect normal fires three times per day. Juvenile: pyrotechnics three times per day. Adult: heat metal once per day. Old: suggestion once per day. Very old: hypnotism once per day. Venerable: detect gems, kind and number in a 100' radius three times a day.

Huhhhh, so it’s pretty much “FIRE, FIRE, FIRE!” until they get old, and suddenly become a hell of a lot more persuasive. I guess that fits in line with Smaug’s rhetorical prowess, and the myth that a dragon’s eyes can hypnotize (I’d have way more dates, if they could).

Habitat/Society: Red dragons can be found on great hills or on soaring mountains.

So, pretty much my choice of venue, then (I’m a nerd who likes his privacy, what can I say?).

From a high perch they haughtily survey their territory, which they consider to be everything that can be seen from their position.

“Everything the light touches… is my bitch.”

They prefer to lair in large caves that extend deep into the earth.

No, seriously, this is just where I live.

A red dragon enjoys its own company, not associating with other creatures, or even other red dragons, unless the dragon's aims can be furthered.

So, they’re loners. That’s hardly “evil”, quite frankly.

For example, some red dragons who have charm spells will order men to act as the dragon's eyes and ears, gathering information about nearby settlements and sources of treasure.

At first, I was skeptical, but Charm Person was a lot more powerful in 2e. Still, you have to wonder what the red dragons say when they charm these poor fools. Given that they’re loathe to part with any treasure… I bet they offer something else. “Won’t you be a good boy, and find your dragon a lead~? *smooch!* Come back soon, it gets terribly lonely without you~”

This scene may or may not be followed by the red dragon washing their mouth out after their pawns leave.

When a red dragon's offspring reach the young adult stage, they are ordered form the lair and the surrounding territory, as they are viewed as competition.

Right, because that’s the only reason you’d ever kick your kids out of the house (at least, in an economy where that’s not a death sentence).

Red dragons are quick to fight all creatures which encroach on their territory, especially copper and silver dragons which sometimes share the same environment.

For some reason, I’m just picturing a red holding a shotgun and yelling “GIT’CHER ASS OFF MY PROPERTY! DAMN METALHEAD PUNKS!”

They hate gold dragons above all else because they believe gold dragons are "nearly" as powerful as themselves.

Given what I already know about Golds, this is apt foreshadowing.

Ecology: Red dragons are meat eaters, although they are capable of digesting almost anything.

They really wanna drive it home that dragons can eat damn near anything, don’t they?

Their favorite food is a maiden of any human or demi-human race. Sometimes the dragons are able to charm key villagers into regularly sacrificing maidens to them.

Heh, as stereotypical as it gets.

This raises a few questions, actually: is this gender fixation purely a culinary preference, or does it tie in with their orientation, too? Do gay reds still eat women? Why maidens? Is it because unbroken hymens taste better? Does this preference involve young virgin women in general, or just cis ones?

If it’s specifically gender they’re looking for, then it’d be weird if it didn’t tie in with their sexuality. If it’s physical sex they’re interested in, does that mean they eat pre/non-op trans men, too?

See, this is why blindly lifting from folklore and fairy tales for your serious kitchen sink fantasy setting causes problems. The original tropes didn’t bear these questions in mind, because they were invented in a time when asking these questions was a literal death sentence.

When you try to translate that into a game whose rules are meant to cover what Terry Pratchett called the consensus fantasy universe in agonizing, enumerated detail, you get nonsensical anomalies like this.

Things once meant to evoke wonder and awe at their strangeness are given classification and statistics. The red dragon is just a symptom of this. The red dragon in this book exists to fill the niche of ‘the most stereotypical, generic dragon imaginable’. In other words, Smaug.

It’s a very pedestrian purpose, but that’s D&D for you.

Tune in next week, where we talk White Dragons, the Dale Gribble of the D&D dragons.