Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Brown Dragon

Whoops! Wrong brown dragon.

There we go!

Hey, been a while, hasn’t it?

Well, after we’ve done the Chromatics and Metallics both, you’re probably wondering how many more dergs D&D could possibly have left to throw at us.

As it turns out, D&D’s remarkable tendency to whore out and reiterate a concept until the original luster is long gone doesn’t exclude its titular handsome reptiles. We ain’t scratched the fucking surface of this giant gay lizard iceberg.

And good thing, too, Gosh only knows what would happen if I ran out of quick, easy material to bang out posts about.

Brown dragons, also known as great desert dragons, migrated from the desert.

Just as ATMs, also known as Automatic Teller Machines, are automated replacements for tellers.

Raurin and now frequent much of the wastes in Eastern Mulhorand.

I’m rawrin’, you’re rawrin’, we’re all rawrin’ for Raurin! Also, I did not introduce that random sentence break.

Brown dragons are ferocious beasts; while they are intelligent, they view human beings as food, and believe it peculiar to talk with one's meal. They do not have wings and cannot fly.

Hey, I get pretty damned ferocious, too, when I haven’t had lunch. Speaking of, I never had a problem talking to my food. It makes their squirming so much more fun~!

Brown dragons have a coloration similar to that of desert sands, ranging from dim brown at hatchling stage to almost white at great wyrm stage.

So, the sun bleaches their scales? That’s actually really neat.

They have small, webbed claws that well developed for digging, and very large, long mouths. Their scales are leathery and not as hard as other dragon armors.

I don’t think I’ve ever met a dragon that didn’t have a big mouth. As you can tell by this blog, it’s kind of a defining feature for us.

Racial tongues.

Brown dragons prefer to dig deep trenches in the sand and wait for prey to appear so they may ambush them. They have a 90% chance of hearing a man sized creature's footsteps on the desert sands from as far down as 500 feet.

That is some antlion shit, right there.

Brown dragons breach the desert sand with incredible silence, imposing a -5 penalty to opponents' surprise rolls. Older brown dragons use illusions or even invisibility spells to conceal themselves.

For a minute, I thought “incredible silence” was a spell, and pictured someone magically muting their environs by telling them to shut the fuck up.

When brown dragons grab their prey, they hold it in their jaws, taking in a 5-foot wide spray that extends in a straight line from the dragon's head up to 60 feet. All creatures caught in the spray can roll a saving throw vs. breath weapon for half damage.

I feel like there’s a missing sentence, here.

Brown dragons use the spray against large numbers, but not against mounted foes, since they know that horses are good eating and don't put up as much struggle as humans. Brown dragons cast spells as 8th-level wizards.

I’ve never had horse meat, myself, so I wouldn’t be able to attest to that. I do find the “less struggle” part a bit dubious; I guess they mean that horses don’t have the tools to fight back as effectively.

They are born immune to acid and the effects of the desert heat. They may survive in airless environments nearly indefinitely.

Eat your heart out, Guybrush Threepwood.

As they age, brown dragons gain the following abilities:

Age          Abilities
Young           Cast create sand to cover up the burrows
Juvenile       Cast create water once per day
Adult            Cast sandstorm (Mulhorandi spell) once per day
Venerable    Cast summon a 12-HD earth elemental
Great wyrm Cast disintegrate once per day

Anakin Skywalker would despise these guys.

Habitat/Society: Brown dragons are found in desert, often close to settled areas. They typically dwell in deep burrows nearly 1,000 feet beneath the sand, where they carve out vast chambers.

At first, there’s no obvious way to make a joke about living under a rock, until you realize that all sand is just really, really finely ground rocks.

The brown dragon mates and raises a family for only a short period of time; all parents encountered are in the mature adult stage of development.

I should hope they’re mature adults!

Many brown dragons do not mate.

That’s too generic a statement to really mean anything. Does it mean that a large number are asexual? Does it mean they don’t have kids (which is how ‘mating’ seems to be construed in D&D 2e)? Does it mean they don’t do commitment (which, uh, is kind of the norm for us)?

Man is the main enemy of brown dragons. Humans hunt for them for their hides and treasure. Blue dragons also attack brown dragons. Battles between brown and blue dragons are legendary for their ferocity.

There’s both Ed Gein and ACAB jokes to be made here, but I won’t insult your intelligence by doing so.

The people of the desert have a curious respect for the brown dragon, so tales often make the blue dragons more evil than the brown.

I’d think “respect” would partially entail not killing and skinning someone.

Ecology: Brown dragons are able to digest sand and other mineral materials to sustain themselves over long periods of time. However, meat is the preferred diet, with horseflesh a particular favorite.

Once again, D&D Dragon Pica Syndrome striketh again.

That about wraps up this one. Next time, Cloud Dragons!