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| Hot damn, where to start with this guy. He's pretty much all frills and pointy bits. I feel stabbed just looking at him. Meanwhile, everyone around him is randomly doing the YMCA dance. Maybe he's just providing the lights for a rave? |
I didn’t think it was possible that any dragon gayer than me or my brother could ever exist, but here we are. And before you say it, yes, I know that tearing this one page from Dragon Magazine #146 is wayyyyy out of order, but guess what?
I’m Paphvul the gay dragon, I shitpost where I wish, and none dare resist!
Behold, the Rainbow Dragon!
This Strawberry Shortcake sumbitch is a real thing that got published in official D&D materials.
And I love him to death.
The rainbow dragon is one of the most powerful of all evil-dragons
Dragons so evil, they get an extra unnecessary hyphen!
It is also the most beautiful, its hide displaying an ever-changing display of iridescent hues of all colors. When the dragon is in bright desert light, this dazzling play of colors gleams so brightly that it is painful to the eyes, causing any attackers to attack at -2 to hit, or -4 in addition to penalties for fighting in the light if the attackers (like orcs or drow) are not accustomed to direct sunlight.
In other words, this dragon is so ridiculously faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabulous that it hurts to look at.
The rainbow dragon usually fights with a claw/claw/bite routine.
They also enjoy the claw/claw/bite routine in bed, especially when it's on the back and ears.
Five times per day, it can use its breath weapon of pure energy, which looks like a rainbow-hued blast of light.
“What kind of energy? Electric?”
“No. Just. Pure. Energy.”
This weapon does damage equal to the dragon’s hit points, but affects only one target per attack. The breath weapon is a 5’-wide beam of energy that extends for 100’. So bright is this light that if the dragon attacks at night, everyone within 100’ of the beam must save vs. spells or be blinded for 1-4 rounds.
Seriously, this dragon’s entire shtick is “be so obnoxiously bright that it makes everyone else’s eyeballs explode”. Pretty much what your average dragon runway show looks like, in other words. It only hurts the eyes of the unworthy.
Here, I’ll skim over some shit that talks about their spellcasting, just saying they get a certain number of spells at so-and-so age.
All rainbow dragons can speak and enjoy negotiating for ever-larger tributes and payoffs from cities that wish to keep such dragons from attacking them.
“Don’t make me get SHINY on you!”
Rainbow dragons aggressively patrol their territories (especially in daytime) and prefer to attack when the sun is out so as to take advantage of their light-enhancing defenses.
Edward Cullen would tell these people to dial it down with the sparkles.
Rainbow dragons prefer brightly lit desert and plains regions, making their lairs in old ruins or caverns.
“Who the fuck is hosting a disco party in the DESERT?!”
The blood of these beasts can be used as ingredients in scroll ink for the spells color spray, prismatic sphere, prismatic spray, and prismatic wall.
Disgusting as harvesting someone’s corpse for magic is, I do want to point out that these dragons are so absurdly gay that their blood can be used to shoot rainbows on command.
A bit of bone from a rainbow dragon is said to tip the best wands of conjuration.
Just the tip?
Attacks based on elemental sources (earth, air, fire, and water) affect the rainbow dragon normally.
What element does a rainbow dragon even qualify as?
Electrical attacks are taken with a - 1 hp/HD penalty to damage, which is helpful if the rainbow dragon fights a blue dragon for the same territory.
Ahhh. Not sure how the hell “shoot rainbows” makes you immune to electric, but still.
And that’s the rainbow dragon! Pretty short entry, since this is just an aside in a magazine article (and there's really no way you can make this one any more hilarious than they already are), but being gay means I had to give some cursory acknowledgment that it’s Pride Month. At any rate, it’s a good thing this is just a D&D dragon, ‘cause no dragon can out-gay yours trul-
*knock knock knock!*
Whoooo iiiis iiiit~?
*door busts down*
: HEARD YOU WERE TALKING SHIT ABOUT MY SPARKLE
Wait, no! I was just kidding! Don’t-!
: BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWGHHHHH
OH GOSH MY EYES
THEY BLEED
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