Let's Dissect 2e's Dragons, Draconomicon Edition - Mercury Dragon

This illustration isn't actually in the book, but it's contemporary, so shush.

Because you knew I had to talk about this book's dragons sooner or later.

Yeah, yeah, I know I still have more of the MM to go, but doing things in this order is just how this dragon rolls, and he'll roll on you if you have a problem with it!

Anyway, without further ado, let’s get a-mockin’!

Mercury dragons are fast, highly-maneuverable creatures with relatively small bodies and long tails.
Their size is listed as “H (25’ base)”, so make what you will of that “relatively”. No indication of how long their tails are, sadly.

Although basically good in alignment, they are very whimsical creatures, making decisions and changing them at the drop of a hat. Their behavior is almost impossible to predict.

You could say they’re… Actually, no, I won’t insult your intelligence with that punchline. I will ask, though: are metallic dragons’ scales supposed to be made of that particular metal? I hope not, because that’ll mean problems for our friend here.

At birth, a mercury dragon’s scales are dull silver. As it ages, the scales become brighter and brighter, until at adult age they gain a brilliant mirror finish.

“No, Khelit, I don’t buy your ‘checking your makeup’ bullshit, you’re just staring at my ass!”

Sunlight or other sources of light reflecting off the scales and wings of a mercury dragon can be blinding.

I don’t care that this is two ass jokes right next to each other. Source.

Racial tou- wait, this one actually has something interesting to say!

Mercury dragons speak the tongue common to good dragons, but at such a high speed that there’s only a 75% chance that any given statement is understood.

I don’t know what’s funnier, the image of this shiny fuck talking like the Micro Machines Guy, or the fact that you have to roll percentile dice every time he talks.

Combat: Mercury dragons are as unpredictable when it comes to combat as they are in any other situation. Sometimes they parley before combat, other times they wade right in, and yet other times they do whatever it takes to avoid combat.

So, how’s that any different from your average player character?

They are good-aligned, however, and they never attack other good-aligned creatures unless sorely provoked.

What qualifies as “sorely provoked” is anyone’s guess.

Mercuries always use their spells in combat if at all possible. They’re very creative, so even if they’ve memorized nothing but Tenser’s floating disk, unseen servant, or something else not related to combat, they’ll figure out some innovative way of using it to their advantage.

Okay, this has to be the most interesting piece of combat info that’s been dropped in these entries, so far. I like the idea of an opponent that’s only memorized a bunch of crap that wasn’t meant for combat catching the party off-guard.

And here, we get mention of the fact that this dragon can direct any light that’s moonlight or brighter into a blindingly bright beam using their wing membrane. I don’t have a joke for this bit, so we’ll skim that.

Breath Weapon/Special Abilities: A mercury’s breath weapon is a beam of brilliant, yellow-gold light.

Basically, ever do that thing with a magnifying glass in the sunlight? That’s this dragon’s breath weapon. There, just saved you a whole paragraph of crunch.

They cast spells and use magical abilities at level 10 plus their combat modifier, and they’re immune to fire and magical forms of blindness. They’ve also got a +3 bonus against light-based attacks.

As they age, they gain the following additional powers:

Young: gaze reflection at will

Got a basilisk or Medusa problem? Send this guy.

Juvenile: mirror image three times per day

His father was a great magician in India. Don’t be charmed by his magic punches.

Adult: polymorph self twice per day

Note that this doesn’t specify how long the polymorph lasts. It’s always awkward when you’re having a little fun with someone, and they suddenly outgrow your bedroom.

Old: telekinesis twice per day

It’s no use trying to come up with a joke for this.

Wyrm: project image once per day

Don’t take them seriously when they start trying to disparage your character.

Habitat/Society: Mercury dragons are loners by nature. Having another creature around would put more constraints on their freedom of behavior than they’d feel comfortable with.

That’s a nice way of saying “they like to air their dong out when they’re alone in the lair”. Which, hey, it's their right to do.

Their mating behavior is like that of brass dragons: free-wheeling, fun-loving, and generally irresponsible.

I love how the book’s emphasis on talking about how the varying types of dragons "mate” carries over into these entries. I’d be lying if I said sex wasn’t one of our defining characteristics.

If the female becomes impregnated, however, the male’s protective instincts take over. Mercuries are very protective of their offspring, and will— if necessary— give their lives to save them.

Suuuure. They’re irresponsible until they’re suddenly not. ‘cause surely a good person wouldn’t be terrified of the prospect of being a parent and run away from the responsibility, or believe that the kid is better off without them.

Offspring usually stay with their parents until they reach the juvenile age category, although some break away much sooner.

“Sorry, mom, but I can’t stay here any more. I’ve got to be my own person now. Thanks for everything.”

“YOU LITERALLY JUST HATCHED, WHAT THE FUCK”

Because of their unpredictable, sometimes almost irrational nature, mercuries very rarely have close relationships with other creatures in the area.

“Sometimes almost irrational”? Could this writing be any more chickenshit?

Ecology: Mercuries eat anything, but they prefer to feed on metal ores. Although they have no venom attacks, the flesh of mercury dragons is highly poisonous.

OH MY DICK, THEY ARE MADE OF MERCURY.

I hope they’re immune to mercury poisoning, because otherwise they’re basically getting brain damage from the day they’re born. That’s horrific. Naturally, this entry leaves us on that note, so that's the note I'll leave you guys on. Until next time!