Let's Dissect 2e's Dragons, Draconomicon Edition - Dracohydra

"Dammit, Middle Head! Quit wandering out of the frame when we're trying to have our picture taken!"

Haha, woowwwwww, I’ve been fucking slow on these posts. So much for them being “cheap and quick to crank out”, huh?

Yep, more Draconomicon 2e good(?)ness!

Dracohydras are hideous, multiheaded winged monsters that combine the worst features of dragons and hydras.

Looking at that picture, I’d have to disagree on the “hideous” part. I’m more concerned with the head in the upper-center of the picture, there; he looks like he’s having trouble breathing.

No one knows precisely what their origin is. Some sages believe they’re ancient off-shoots of the pre-dragons that have been hibernating for millions of years; others believe they’re the next step in the evolution of dragons; still others think that they’re the result of tampering by supernatural beings— perhaps deities, or perhaps Tiamat the Chromatic Dragon.

Whoa, WHOA, keep it in your pants with that run-on sentence there. Also, gotta appreciate good ol’ D&Dland, where Creationism is still taken seriously in academics.

Dracohydras have been reported with two to five heads. Twenty-five percent of dracohydra have two heads, 50% have three heads, 15% have four heads, and 10% have five heads.

2e sure does love its percentiles, doesn’t it. Is there a fetish for that? Do these guys get off to adding unwanted percentage rolls to everything?

The creatures are a muddy brown color, ranging to a lighter brown, almost cream, on their bellies.

I’m thinking it, you’re thinking it. Let’s just move on.

Their eyes are red.

That’s not their natural color, Dracohydras are just bong-hogging sumbitches.

Dracohydras speak their own tongue, a derivative of the language of evil dragons.

What does an “Evil” language even sound like? Is it German? German is pretty damned evil, according to Mark Twain.

Dracohydras can understand about half of what evil dragons say, and vice versa. Dracohydras know no other languages.

It’s mainly to do with all three heads chattering at once. Can’t get a damned word in, over that din.

Combat: Dracohydras share the same attack routines as standard dragons. Each round, each of the creature’s heads can either bite or use its breath weapon.

I’d say something witty, but I’m just thinking back to being licked and nibbled on by an especially adept three-head. Those guys can overwhelm you in all the right ways pretty damned fast.

Skimming some damage stats here…

A dracohydra’s total hit points are divided as follows: half are assigned to the body, and the other half are split evenly between the heads. (For example, say that a three-headed dracohydra has a total of 72 hit points. Its body has 36 hit points, while each of its heads has 12.)

Makes sense enough.

When a dracohydra head has been reduced to 0 hit points, the head “dies” and becomes useless. As soon as all heads are destroyed or the body is reduced to 0 hit points, the dracohydra is dead.

Wait, so is the head actually dead, or do they recover after the dracohydra naps it off? If the head’s dead, what does the dracohydra do with them? Do they have to amputate? Do they just carry the dead head around for the rest of the other heads’ lives?

(If you’re wondering, where I’m from, a multi-head who has a head pass away typically amputates and buries that head, shedding that one’s part of their collective name in the process.”

And here we got some boring shit about which percent of hits damage what part of the body, and I know you’re not here for that.

Breath Weapon/Special Abilities: Dracohydras spit sprays of concentrated acid, similar to the breath weapon of a black dragon. The acid stream is three feet wide and extends 40 feet in a straight line from the creature’s head. All creatures caught in this stream must roll successful saving throws vs. breath weapon for half damage.

Remember kids, when you do dracohydra breath, you go to Hell before you die!

All creatures caught in this stream must roll successful saving throws vs.
breath weapon for half damage. Each head is able to use its breath weapon independently, dividing the total allowable damage between as many uses as the creature desires. This means that a five-headed great wyrm is an incredibly daunting foe, since each of its five heads can inflict 12d2 + 12 points of damage.

Wait, wait. 12d2? Not 2d12? So you have to flip 12 coins and then add the result to this fucker’s damage?! Damn right it’s daunting, for the DM! I hope to Arneson this is a typo, because that’s some FATAL level brain-dead mechanics. Also, I think there’s a law now that states any discussion of shitty game mechanics will inevitably reference FATAL. You can call it Paphvul’s Law. You’re welcome.

Dracohydras use their special abilities at 8th level + combat modifier, and are born immune to acid (I should hope so!). Here’s the shit they gain as they age:

Young adult: wall of fog twice per day
Adult: darkness three times per day
Old: stinking cloud twice per day
Wyrm: cloudkill once per day

So, it’s a Victorian-era London dragon. Ain’t that inspiring and totally worth writing up a whole new dragon entry fo— What? What do you mean I “already did that joke”?! *looks that up*… Son of a bitch, I did, back in the Topaz entry.

Habitat/Society: Dracohydras are found in inaccessible mountain areas far from civilization. They prefer snow-covered peaks and mountains around which storms frequently play.

If they’re inaccessible, how would you find them there?

Dracohydras are most like whites in their outlook: rapacious, selfish, and ferocious. Their low intelligence makes it difficult for them to plan or think in an abstract manner, so their behavior is always direct.

Everything that can be said about this already has been in the thread. These guys are pretty much White Dragon: The Sequel. At least white D&D dragons are no longer alone in getting the “LAWL, DUUUUUUUUMB” treatment.

Dracohydras are ferocious hunters that often kill other creatures even when they aren’t hungry, apparently for sport.

I’d make a joke about jikhri, but that doesn’t apply to D&D. Instead, I’ll chalk it up to severe sexual repression, go full Sigmund “everyone wants to fuck their parents” Freud on this sumbitch.

The creatures are basically bullies. If faced by a strong foe that won’t back down, they often run away. Conversely, they enjoy playing with a weaker foe before killing it.

They also insist that they “don’t want politics in their games” while playing Blow Up Iran Simulator 69.0.

The creatures are by preference solitary, associating with others of their kind only to mate.

No shame in a no-strings-attached fling, right? D&D apparently disagrees.

Offspring remain with the parents only until they reach the young age category. They then either head out on their own or— rarely— challenge one of the parents for its hoard.

You know those novelty “Hey, teenagers! Tired of putting up with your parents? Go get a job and live on your own! Do it while you still know everything!” signs smartasses hang on their walls?

Parents protect their offspring, but not at the cost of their own lives. Should it look as though continued defense might mean death, the parents flee.

“You’re on your own, kid; people trying to kill you builds character!”

Any encounter with more than one dracohydra is with a mated pair with one or two offspring of age category hatchling (60%) or very young (40%).

Can I point out how fucked up it is that they’re specifying how likely it is these guys will have kids to murder? And keep in mind, as we’ve seen in the Let’s Read thread, evil is— a few freaks of nature exempted— absolute and genetic in D&Dland, so just cut your losses and kill the kids.

Dracohydras also have no love for humans, demihumans, and humanoids. They sometimes enslave these smaller creatures, but the period of servitude never lasts long before the dracohydra gets hungry and eats its slaves.

When you’re a bonghog with three heads, inevitably one or two of them’s gonna get the munchies.

Ecology: Like other dragons, dracohydras can consume almost anything, including nonliving materials like rocks and gems.

Scarcity is just not a thing, for D&D dragons.

(As the famed dragon-hunter Smerdiuk Dragonbane once put it, “If it’s not on fire, they’ll eat it. Hells, if it is on fire, they’ll put it out then eat it.”)

That’s called cooking, Smeardick.

The creatures have a continuously voracious hunger, which they much prefer to satisfy with fresh meat.

If you know what I mean.

The main enemies of dracohydras are stormgiants, stone giants, and red dragons— who consider the flesh of the creatures’ young to be a Delicacy.

That’s something I never wanted to know about reds. Chris Hansen has a few words in mind for all those guys. Also why is "delicacy" capitalized?

And that’s it for Dracohydras! Sorry this one took so long, I really struggled to come up with much to say for this entry. Next time, we’ll look at the steel dragon, hopefully more interesting.