Let's Dissect 2e's Dragons, Draconomicon Edition - Steel Dragon

“My name… is Drag Bag’em. I’ve got a cloaca of STEEEELLLLL.”

Yes, not even a sentence in, and I’m making genital jokes. This is what you signed up for, everyone.

Steel dragons love the companionship of humans and demihumans, thus explaining their preference for cities.

Read: they like stud-hunting in the city.
They are highly magical and intellectual.

But are they jellicle?

Although considerably smaller than many of its kin, the steel dragon shares the strength and robustness typical of other dragons.

“We are tiny, but we are MIGHTY!” — A quote attributed to Steel Dragons, Chihuahuas, and flesh-eating bacteria.

Its scales are a bright metallic grey reminiscent of brushed steel, ranging to a darker hue— almost like blued gunmetal— on the creature’s underside and toward its tail.

You know, if more people knew these existed in D&D, there’d be a side effect of blue D&D dragons polishing their scales to an absurd shine to pass as one of these guys.

The membranes of its wings have the sheen of fine silk.

Seeing this level of gayness in D&D dragons makes me wonder if I’m not putting enough effort into it.

Racial tongues.

There is almost certainly a close relationship between the steel dragon and the Greyhawk dragon of Oerth.

Care to elaborate on that? ‘Cause I know fuck all about Greyhawk as it is, beyond “they never actually published the castle the setting is named after”, and “they butchered it for 3e because li’l Timmy wants his Cleric to wear white like in his Final Fantasy games”.

Fans are the worst way to learn secondhand about something.

Combat: At heart a peaceful creature, the steel dragon avoids combat where it can. If conflict is inevitable, however, it fights with great intelligence and lethality, using a claw/claw/bite attack routine.

Claw/claw/bite seems to be this book’s “always attacks from a distance”, I notice.

Breath Weapon/Special Abilities: Three times per day the dragon can exhale a highly potent gas that has an effect similar to the feign death spell. Characters exposed to the gas must roll a successful saving throw vs. poison with a -4 penalty, or fall into a comatose state, virtually indistinguishable from death, which lasts for 2d10 turns.

Chloroform gas dragon, everyone!

Some stat crunch later, we get this absolute jewel:

The gas is quickly absorbed through the skin, which is just as effective as if breathed. Partial protection can be gained through coating all exposed skin with lard or other grease, as this attenuates the effect of the gas (the penalty is now only -2).

Yep, before you go against a steel dragon, be sure and coat yourself in lard! I want you to imagine who came up with that. Who the hell looked at a dragon, and said “I’ll be safer around them if I coat my tender, bite-sized self in grease of some kind”? Was this a rumor the Steel dragons spread? Are these people some kind of cholesterol suicide bombers?

All I can say is, if you walk up to me covered in lard, you’ve absolutely asking to become dragon pudge.

The gas’s effectiveness is very short-lived— within two minutes of exposure to oxygen, the gas becomes inert.

Literally all I can come up with is a “the balls are inert” reference. I’m sorry.

In preference to any physical attack, the dragon is likely to use magic. From birth, it can polymorph self five times per day.

Imagine growing up with a sibling who could polymorph. It’d be absurdly easy to pin the blame on them for damn near anything.

Each change in form lasts until the dragon chooses a different form; reverting to the dragon’s normal form does not count as a change.

No sitcom shenanigans polymorphing for these guys.

As they age, they gain the following additional powers:

Young: detect lie three times a day

“Mom, this ‘Santa Claus’ bullshit is an insult to my vast adult-level intelligence that I was somehow born with.”

Juvenile: charm person three times a day

A good chunk of half-dragons are actually teen pregnancies.

Adult: suggestion three times a day

Any time a human comes away from a steel dragon walking funny, this is why it “sounded like a good idea at the time”.

Mature: adult antipathy/sympathy twice a day

The milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard.

Old: imbue with spell ability once a day

Basically one of those “pick-up art gurus”, except their teachings actually work… Which really isn’t a good thing. No, I’m not going to debate the morality of using magic spells to get laid. Suggestion is not consent.

The steel dragon is immune to wizard spells of 1st through 4th level. Against all other magical effects, it has a magic resistance of 75% (regardless of age). It can use all magical items permitted to the wizard class.

Just to add that extra sheen of specialness to the steel dragon. Also, wait, why specify the magic item permission, here? The magic-loving golds never seemed to have this issue.

Habitat/Society: Because of its love for and fascination with humanity and demihumanity, the steel dragon often lives polymorphed into human form.

Friggin’ anthropoboos. :V

Its favored habitat is a large city, where it frequently owns a big house.

So, steel dragons are the bourgeois. Remind me why these guys are supposed to be goo— *reads their alignment, sees that it’s Lawful Neutral with a (good) marker* … Carry on, I guess?

Steel dragons are sometimes the centers of artistic and intellectual gatherings— poetry readings, discussion groups, etc. In their human identities, these artistically inclined dragons are sometimes well-known among the intelligentsia and patrons of the arts.

That’s a lot of words for “knows how to evade his taxes while sipping wine and eating cheese”.

They keep their true nature secret.

So, they’re like every other metallic dragon?

Most steel dragons, however, are less outgoing. Although by no means antisocial or reclusive, they limit themselves to a small group of friends and acquaintances.

So, pretty much your average introvert.

These confidants can come from all walks of life, but they are usually selected on the basis of their access to interesting and hard-to-obtain information.

Wait, so their basis for deciding who to confide things to depends on how many secrets about other people they know and are willing to divulge? Am I the only one who thinks this is a little ass-backwards?

Steel dragons with this outlook often become clearinghouses or brokers of valuable information and intelligence.

So, it’s more like an information economy than actual trust.

Food is usually the creature's biggest problem: Although it might take the form of a man or woman, it must eat enough to maintain its true bulk.

Non-binary shapeshifting is apparently verboten (yes, I know that “might” is there, let me have my snark).

Every two weeks or so, it drops out of sight and travels to nearby wilderness areas (where it might claim to own a hunting lodge).

Of course they would.

Here it hunts, making up for its enforced fast (at least, by dragon standards) in the city.

“By dragon standards”? I’m sorry, but when you’re the height and length of a bus, the minimum amount you need to eat is inevitably a feast by everyone else’s standards.

Like other dragons, the steel variety is omnivorous, but it prefers fresh meat.

And I prefer mine male.

It never eats domesticated herds, preying instead on wild animals— particularly those baneful to humankind.

So, it only ever eats Dire Wolves? That can’t taste good.

Steel dragons are very rare creatures. Even the largest city might have only one or two living (secretly) in its midst.

How would you have any statistical grounding if they all live in secret? By the sound of it, you just have to bring a dragon detector to the nearest country club.

Although they take stringent precautions to prevent their true nature from being discovered, one steel dragon can recognize another on sight.

Is it flagging? Magic? I must know! [/sarcasm]

Dragons in the same city are usually on good terms, visiting each other’s homes, and occasionally going on “hunting trips” together.

They’re talking about fucking, right?

Every 12 years, a steel dragon seeks a mate.

Yes, they are.

Also, every 12 years?! No dragon would ever go that long without getting their pound on.

Ideally this mate is from the same city, although steel dragons have been known to range far and wide searching for just the right companion.

Considering lawful metallics’ love of organized secret institutions, you’d think they’d have steel dragon singles groups.

The couple retires to the wilderness, where they raise a single offspring. Once the youngster is old enough to fend successfully for itself— about 15 years— the parents return to their separate lives, although they will usually remain close; they are always ready to help the off- spring if it gets itself into serious trouble.

That must be a hell of a thing to explain to your (demi?)human bougie buddies. “Yeah, hello again, everyone. I’m just going to be going on a 15-year vacation again. Don’t wait up on me.”

The creatures rarely select the same mate twice.

It’s like Brave New World, with these guys; can’t fuck the same person too often, people might think you’ve got a commitment going on.

Ecology: Steel dragons can be found?if they wish to be found— in any large town or city. They are at the top of the food chain, with no natural enemies.

Except for the IRS, who are too timid to actually deal with them.

In cities, they rarely work as artisans, preferring to act as collectors and disseminators of information (like sages).

Wait… Are these chucklefucks the “sages” this book keeps getting its info from?!

… Yeah, “rich assholes” as a primary source makes sense for this book.

Anyway, sorry this one took an eternity and a half. On the plus side, we’ve only got one more new dragon entry to go before the Let’s Read resumes as normal. Stay tuuuuned~