Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Sapphire Dragon

You know, one of these days, I'll pick an image size for these things and stick with it. Maybe. Probably not.

Anyway, this guy not only looks emaciated, but he’s also got a bit of what I assume is an acne problem.

Sapphire wasn’t my favorite Pokémon, honestly. The remakes, though, kicked ass.

Kidding aside, after the shitfest that I had to play for my last post, I needed something to detox from all that garbage.

Yes, I’m turning to this for comfort. Despite how much I continually rag on their writing, I actually love the 2e Monster Manual entries so goddamned much. They’re so fucking dumb, they’re endless fun to rip into.


While not actively hostile, sapphire dragons are militantly territorial and initially distrustful of anyone who approaches.

I mean, given that this is a setting where you can literally kill sapient beings and steal their shit without going to prison simply because they happen not to be within the approved six races, I’d be pretty damned paranoid, too.

These beautiful dragons range from light to dark blue, and sparkle in the light, even at birth.
Honey, look at the picture. That’s not remotely sparkly or beautiful, unless you think something that looks like a moldy corpse is pretty.

Sapphire dragons are often mistaken for blue dragons, unless someone recalls the latter's preferred arid environment.

And the fact that blues typically don’t look like they haven’t eaten in years.

Racial tongues, racial tongues…

Combat: Sapphire dragons generally observe intruders before deciding what to do with them, unless known enemies such as drow or dwarves are present.
“Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to Hell you go!”

If others are not actively hostile the dragon attempts conversation and spell use to determine their intentions and convince them to leave.
You have to wonder, who the hell are all these people breaking into dragon lairs just to say “hi”? Do dragons in D&D just not have front doors? Or door knockers, doorbells, literally any other way for visitors to announce their presence besides strutting in and yelling “I’M HERE, SUCKA!”?

If the dragon or its treasure is threatened, it attacks immediately with breath weapon, spells, and physical attacks. It uses psionics or other special abilities to escape if its life is in jeopardy.
Just common sense shit they teach you in Lair Defense 101.

Breath weapon/special abilities: This dragon's breath weapon is cone of high-pitched, almost inaudible sound, 75 feet long, 5 feet wide at the dragon's mouth, and 25 feet wide at the base.
In other words, its breath weapon is teen repellent. This is the most “Off my lawn, damn kids!” dragon I’ve ever seen. How could I hate the Monster Manual, when it brings me so much joy?

Creatures caught by the blast can save vs. breath weapon for half damage from the sound's disruption, and must make a second saving throw vs. breath weapon or be affected by fear, fleeing the dragon in panic for two rounds per age level of the dragon, plus 1d6 rounds.
Oh, sorry, it’s spoopy teen repellant.

This is a metabolic effect, and creatures unaffected by magical fear still suffer from the effects if they fail their save.
This sentence reads like some teenager writing “Yeah, well my OC’s powers are so awesome that even people with immunity get hurt by them! Suck it!”

Deafness does not protect one from the breath weapon's damage, though it prevents fear effects.
So, it’s basically a pain beam. Damn.

Sapphire dragons are born with immunity to all forms of fear, as well as immunity to web, hold, slow, and paralysis.
So, does that mean they’re never afraid of anything, ever? Is this a Phineas Gage situation, where they’re constantly doing dumb shit because they’re so terrible at planning ahead?

Also, how does web immunity work? Are they just always so oiled up that the webs can’t stick?

As they age, they gain the following additional powers: Young: continual light three times a day.
So, this guy’s pretty much a magic lightbulb that never goes out unless it gets attacked by Advanced Darkness.

Juvenile: stone shape three times a day.
*insert quote about the Law of Equivalent Exchange*

Adult: anti-magic shell once a day.
Okay, this has the potential to actually be a massive pain in the ass. Good going, there.

Mature adult: passwall six times a day.
Pretty much equivalent to that Roadrunner gag of the Roadrunner somehow running right through a painting of a tunnel unmolested.

Venerable: wall of stone three times a day.
Okay, we get it, this guy really likes to mold and shape rocks. I get the feeling the writer for this entry was really wishing he was writing dwarves instead. Maybe this one hates dwarves so much because they did his shtick first.

Great wyrm: sunray three times a day.
In other words, this guy becomes handy to have around when vampire hunting, in his old age.

Aaaaaand, fuck you, psionics table!

Habitat/Society: Sapphire dragons live deep underground and often place their treasure in caverns accessible only through magic or psionics.
Okay, this again begs the question, who the hell would go to the trouble of going all the way down there, potentially having to break past magical or psionic (ugh) barriers, just to say “Hi”? I really don’t get this mentality the writers have.

They sometimes share territory with emerald dragons. Sapphire dragons treat their young well, but force them to leave and find their own territory as soon as they are young adults.
They’re tough love advocates, I see.

Ecology: Sapphire dragons consider giant spiders a great delicacy and often hunt them.
Do they at least fry them, first? I’m told fried spider tastes like a kind of crunchy prawn (and no, I’m not going to go find out for myself). *shudders*

Deep dragons, drow, dwarves, mind flayers, and aboleth are great enemies of sapphire dragons.
Okay, the whole “dwarves as racial enemies” thing is interesting, in that it potentially turns the common discrimination we see in the Implied Default D&D Setting on the player character.

Suddenly, the resident dwarf knows what it’s like to be attacked on sight by self-righteous people simply for existing. Not like it’ll lead to any kind of moment of introspection, knowing what kind of game this is, but still.

That’s about it for the sapphire dragon. Tune in next time for the topaz, the last of these psionic pissants.