 |
| Look at this assclown. This is the face of someone who sniffs his farts and likes it. |
Well, so did I, but the Monstrous Manual had other ideas.
Amethyst dragons are wise and regal, with a detached air, and ignore what they consider to be petty squabbles between good and evil, law and chaos.
“Mmmm, yes, I see. A band of stalwarts out to vanquish Lord Mr. Kill. How trite. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must get back to my readings of Orson. D. Olaf’s Aviagientienusybeleopatiearium Cycle. What, you haven’t heard of it? Of course you haven’t.”
When hatched, amethyst dragons have lavender skin with small scales of a light, translucent purple.
Good grief, they’re so bourgeois that even their underskin isn’t red, it’s lavender.
As they grow older, the scales gradually darken. Adults are a sparkling lavender in color.
Sparkling lavender. I don’t know which I hate more, this thing, or how much the author’s already sucking its purple cock.
Racial tongues, again.
Combat: Amethyst dragons prefer talking over combat.
As in, they’ll try talking you to death first. I imagine it usually works.
If parleying goes badly, the dragon attacks first with its breath weapon, then with psionics and spells.
All these dragons have the same fucking opening tactics! I mean, there’s minor differences, but every single one uses their breath weapons first. What if they didn’t have a breath weapon or combat spells? They’d be hosed.
They never hide or attempt ambush. Amethyst dragons consider retreat dishonorable, but do so if faced with death.
They consider retreating a SHAMEFUR DISPRAY! At least they're not stupid, though.
Breath weapon/special abilities: An amethyst dragon's breath weapon is a faceted, violet lozenge, which it can spit into the midst of enemies, up to 75 feet away. The lozenge explodes with concussive force, causing the indicated damage to all creatures within 60' of the impact (save vs. breath weapon for half damage).
Wait, so its breath weapon is to hock up a cough-drop bomb? That’s… You know, that’d probably throw someone off the first time it happened. I can dig it.
Let’s skip over a sudden mountain of crunch here, and get to its special abilities.
Amethyst dragons are born with an innate water breathing ability and an immunity to poisons.
What are they, fish?
They are also immune to force attacks and effects, such as those from beads of force, Bigby's hand spells, wall of force, and Otiluke's resilient sphere.
Gosh’s armpits, this thing’s someone’s first DeviantART OC. “Yeah, well he’s got psychic powers, and he’s purple and pretty, and he’s immune to this and that, and he’s a crystal gem!” Yes, this fucker has psionics, because it’s 2e.
As they age, they gain the following additional powers: Young: water walking six times a day.
And now it’s fucking Jesus. It’s an actual Crystal Dragon Jesus.
Juvenile: neutralize poison six times a day.
That’s remarkably mundane, compared to walking on water.
Adult: shape change, as a druid, into a reptile, bird, or mammal, three times a day, with each form usable only once per day.
So, now’s it a goddamned Animorph, too. Again, this whole thing is reading like some kid making up a superhero on the spot.
Old: otiluke's resilient sphere three times a day.
And now it’s Susan Storm. Who else can we cram in there?
Very old: reflecting pool once a day.
I mean, given that it’s a reclusive antisocial hermit hipster, using a pool of water to scry shit only makes sense.
Venerable: control weather once a day.
This one makes sense enough, given where they live. You’ll see in a minute.
The next tables are
Psionics Summary:
Level
Dis/Sci/Dev
Attack/Defense
Score
PSPs
= HD
3/3/5
PB,EW,PsC/M-,TS,TW
= Int
250
PSIONICS OH MY GOSH WHY
Psychokinesis - Sciences: detonate, project force, telekinesis. Devotions: control body, inertial barrier, molecular agitation.
Psychometabolism - Sciences: complete healing, energy containment, metamorphosis. Devotions: cell adjustment, expansion, reduction.
NO!
Telepathy - Sciences: domination, mindlink, mindwipe. Devotions: contact, ESP, identity penetration, truthear.
Metapsionics - Sciences: empower, psychic surgery, ultrablast. Devotions: magnify, psionic sense, psychic drain.
NO, NO, NO!
Habitat/Society: Amethyst dragons live on the shores of isolated mountain lakes and pools, some in caves beneath the water.
The better to snoop on strangers with, my dear.
They are good parents, but believe their young should fend for themselves as soon as they become young adults.
I mean, if they’re really “good parents”, then they’ve likely made that possible. They’re pretty much the exact inverse of how reds and whites are written up in this book.
Amethyst dragons dislike red and white dragons,
Speaking of.
and consider silver and copper dragons to be foolish.
“Yawwwwn, your notions of ‘kindness’ and ‘fun’ are so mainstream. 'Evil' is purely subjective, and therefore does not objectively exist. It is meaningless. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to sitting on my ass and watching strangers undress without their permission.”
Ecology: Amethyst dragons prefer to eat fish and a large number of gems. They are not inherently enemies with any life form.
I never understood the whole “eats gems” thing so much Earth fantasy ascribes to dragons.
So, in spite of all the stat blocks, abilities, and psionic bullshit, there’s not much we really know about these ponces aside from them living by the beach, being snooty know-it-all dicks with a disdain for the “more foolish” dragons, and… that’s about it, actually.
Hey, wait a minute…
Reclusive pompous snowflake asshole… Incredibly pretty… In tune with nature, better-than-thou pricks with a ton of fancy powers?
Why does all this sound insufferably familiar?
THIS THING IS A FUCKING ELF.
What is with 2e and glorifying these glittershits? Between putting out a Elf Master Race propaganda book, spawning Drizzt and his flood of clones, and Spelljammer’s Space Cop Elves, this edition was swarmed with them. Even the dragons are elves.
Man, fuck elves.
And for you 21st century people reading this, no, this isn’t a racist statement. Elves aren’t real, thank Gosh. That tree-hugging tool you see over there is just a skinny human with their ears sculpted pointy. Probably a LARPer, or else some otherkin.
The closest you get is the fae, and they’re nothing like these guys. They don’t look remotely human.
 |
| Pictured: Fae Johnson. Art by Erol Otus. |
Man, the Amethyst Dragon is just everything wrong with D&D (a game I otherwise love, mind you) rolled up into one greasy purple package.
Next time, I'll be talking about something other than a Gem Dragon.
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