Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Bronze Dragon

The sexy overbite is sadly marred by the wall-eyed face and weird spiked nostrils.

Bronze dragons are inquisitive and fond of humans and demi-humans.

“Inquisitive” is almost never a good sign, when 2e is involved.

They enjoy polymorphing into small, friendly animals so they can unobtrusively observe humans and demi-humans, especially adventurers.

So, they’re pretty much they’re pretty much the squirrels you see in any given overhead shot of our characters in a forest. No, seriously, look at any of those scenes again; those fuckers? Secretly bronze dragons.

Bronze dragons thrive on simple challenges such as riddles and harmless contests.

Just don’t challenge ‘em to a peeing-for-distance contest. The local wildlife will avoid that place for weeks.


They are fascinated by warfare and will eagerly join an army if the cause is just and the pay is good.

I love that these guys go from shapeshifting into little squirrels and playing fun little riddle games to full RIP AND TEAR MERCENARY in the span of four sentences.

And here, we get a description of how their scales change with age.

It’s not that I have a problem with these things being described, it’s just that I’ve completely run out of things to say about it.

Dragons from the very old stage on develop a blue-black tint to the edges of their scales, similar to a patina on ancient bronze armor or statues.

Okay, that’s actually interesting. I like the idea of metallics actually tarnishing over time, as would be the implication when one’s hide is actually made of metal.

That said, these guys must be heavy as fuck, unless it’s just a very thin plate of metal.

Racial tongues again.

Combat: Bronze dragons dislike killing creatures with animal intelligence and would rather bribe them (perhaps with food), or force them away with repulsion.

I’m picturing a bronze dragon trying to distract a t-rex or hydra with a doggy treat or some shit, and it’s the funniest thing.

When confronted with intelligent opponents bronze dragons use their ESP ability to learn their opponents' intentions.

So, wait, they read minds, too? That’s the most horrible violation of privacy imaginable. This smacks of the kind of “It’s okay, because it’s a good guy doing it!” mentality that lets things like the Patriot Act come into existence.

When attacking they blind their opponents with wall of fog, then charge.

That’s actually a unique tactic!

Or, if they are flying they will snatch opponents. When fighting under water, they use airy water to maintain the effectiveness of their breath weapons, and to keep away purely aquatic opponents.

Again, all of these actually feel like elements of a fighting style, rather than generic copy-pasted tactics.

Against boats or ship they summon a storm or use their tail slap to smash the vessels' hulls.

Brutal.

If the dragon is inclined to be lenient, seafaring opponents might merely find themselves becalmed, fog bound, or with broken masts.

Damn. That last one’s a special kind of hardcore, effectively marooning these guys on their own ship and leaving their lives in the hands of providence.

This says to me that they make it a point to leave their opponents with a message: “The only reason you have any chance of making it out alive right now is because I felt like it. Try that shit again, see what happens. I dare you.”

Breath weapon/special abilities: A bronze dragon has two breath weapons: a stroke of lightning 100' long and 5' side or a cloud of repulsion gas 20' long, 30' wide, and 30' high.

I like to think that “repulsion gas” is just a polite way of saying he has stank breath.

Creatures caught in the gas must save vs. breath weapon or move away from the dragon for two minutes per age level of the dragon, plus 1-6 minutes.

A bronze dragon’s breath weapon in action.

From there, it’s just some boring lightning breath and magic casting stats.

At birth, bronze dragons have a water breathing ability, can speak with animals at will, and are immune to electricity. 

Damn, that’s a lot, a lot, a lot! … Of abilities to be born with.

This game really favors the metallics, doesn’t it? For the most part, they’re stronger, more well-liked by society, and the game insists they’re the “good” guys. Hmmmm…

As they age, they gain the following additional powers: Young: create food and water and polymorph self three times a day. (Each change in form lasts until the dragon chooses a different form. Reverting to the dragon's normal form does not count as a change.)

See the above statement. Also, the fact that they are naturally able to just magic their own food into existence means that they essentially live scarcity-free lives, and their polymorphing lets them blend in anywhere.

Essentially, the minute they enter a place, they can look like whatever the privileged majority there is. The chromatics enjoy no such luxury.

Juvenile: wall of fog once a day.

Bad breath, wonky teeth, and they make everything foggy. They're British, got it.

Adult: ESP three times a day.

You know, I get the feeling that these guys get hired by cops pretty often.

Mature adult: airy water three times a day in a 10' radius per age category of the dragon.

Fart joke.

Old: weather summoning once a day.

Can you imagine one of these guys being the local weatherman? Suddenly, news anchors saying shit like “When are you gonna stop all this rain and bring us some sunshine?” would make sense.

Habitat/Society: Bronze dragons like to be near deep fresh or salt water.

They’re total beach bums, is what you’re saying.

They are good swimmers and often visit the depths to cool off or to hunt for pearls or treasure from sunken ships.

Now I’m picturing that scene from The Little Mermaid, but with a dragon.

They prefer caves that are accessible only from the water, but their lairs are always dry--they do not lay eggs, sleep, or store treasure under water.

I mean, that makes sense enough, I guess.

Bronze dragons are fond of sea mammals, especially dolphins and whales.

They generally know to leave when the dolphins get a little too friendly, of course.

These animals provide the dragons with a wealth of information on shipwrecks, which the dragons love to plunder, and detail the haunts of large sharks.

The haunts of large sharks, hmm? Wonder why…

Bronze dragons detest pirates, disabling or destroying their ships.

“I love to explore shipwrecks, especially ones I caused!”

Kidding aside, I love that they do this.

Ecology: Bronze dragons eat aquatic plants and some varieties of seafood.

I mean, that’s a given.

They especially prize of shark meat.

… You do realize, sharks are endangered by a combination of both overfishing and environmental collapse, right? I don’t know if this is true for the implied setting of this book, but it’s still jarring to see (fun fact, I accidentally mispelled it as "sea", and didn't even notice until proofreading).

They also dine on an occasional pearl, and, like other dragons, can eat almost anything in a pinch.

Note the word “occasional” here. That’ll be important in another entry.

Evil, amphibious sea creatures (particularly sahuagin), who can invade their air filled lairs, are their greatest enemies.

It ain’t D&D without some classic racist rhetoric, of course.

That’s about all for Bronze dragons. Overall, not bad. I can picture myself having a piña colada with one, at least. Definitely better than the one before it. What's next...

*sees the name "Copper Dragon"*

Oh, no.