Alt text, the one feature we all love to hate. Or maybe we just hate it. It's an anal-retentive's worst nightmare, to say the least.
It'd be such an aggravation, if I included it.
And yet, on the other hand, the feature is just there, taunting me.
"Use me, you coward!" it cries out.
"But, I don't dare betray my readership!" I protest. "Were I to include alt text, my readers would have a moment of crisis. I've hidden something from them, and now that they understand this, they'll be compelled to go back and find every single alt text. And Gosh help them if I do it inconsistently. Like, if I only put in one Alt Text every so often, and then they check them only to repeatedly find there's nothing there. Then, they stop checking, only for me to finally include one. AS A CONSCIENTIOUS PERSON, I CANNOT CONDONE THIS!"
"Paph, that's an entire paragraph you wrote in quotes. Please get help."
And that's why I'll now list every Alt Text I ever write for this blog here in this post, from now on.
[None yet. Watch this space! ... Or don't.]
Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Red
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| This guy looks less like a red scaled dragon, and more like a scaleless with a really bad sunburn. |
Red dragons, in D&D, are just Smaug.
There’s really nothing else to it, they’re just Smaug, right down to the fire-breathing, greed, and ego.
After we’ve explored dragons that have the power to control BEES, desert dragons with camouflage that makes more sense than I thought it did (see my amendment to that post), and nature-loving dragons who literally enslave their natural enemies, just plain ol’ Smaug is gonna seem a little dull by comparison.
Red dragons are the most covetous and greedy of all dragons, forever seeking to increase their treasure hoards.
Isn’t that all of us?
13 Game Print Ads Nobody Else Talks About
So, I read Cassidy’s Top Five Worst Games Print Ads, and my brain said “Paph! You’ve gotta do a post about print ads!"
I told my brain, “But everyone does that! Between bad video game covers and commercials, print ads are the most commonly-mocked target on the internet. If nothing else, I strive not to be redundant. There’s nothing new I could add to the plethora of 'Top Worst' lists out there.”
My brain said “Oh. But, Paph, you’ve gotta write about print ads!”
Well, I couldn’t argue with that logic. So, I started digging to see if there were any interesting ones that nobody’s talked about. Note that these aren’t the “top” of any kind of ads, nor are all of them bad. As long as they’re remarkable in some way, they belong here.
Many of these scans come from VGMuseum (http://www.vgmuseum.com/ads). Special thanks go to Oli, AnakinVdr, gfrankwick, and Mek.
Ahhhh, C64 video game box art. The fun thing about computer games back then was, anyone could make them; the only barrier to entry was finding a publisher. There was also no barrier of entry when it came to package art.
I told my brain, “But everyone does that! Between bad video game covers and commercials, print ads are the most commonly-mocked target on the internet. If nothing else, I strive not to be redundant. There’s nothing new I could add to the plethora of 'Top Worst' lists out there.”
My brain said “Oh. But, Paph, you’ve gotta write about print ads!”
Well, I couldn’t argue with that logic. So, I started digging to see if there were any interesting ones that nobody’s talked about. Note that these aren’t the “top” of any kind of ads, nor are all of them bad. As long as they’re remarkable in some way, they belong here.
Many of these scans come from VGMuseum (http://www.vgmuseum.com/ads). Special thanks go to Oli, AnakinVdr, gfrankwick, and Mek.
* Cuthbert Enters the Tombs of Doom (Commodore 64)
Ahhhh, C64 video game box art. The fun thing about computer games back then was, anyone could make them; the only barrier to entry was finding a publisher. There was also no barrier of entry when it came to package art.
Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Green
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| This one kind of looks like a screwed-up crocodile. Not nearly as funny as the 1e illustration I found. |
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| Look at what a happy dork this guy is. "A-hyuck, howdy there, adventurerers! Imma swallow you whole, now!" |
Marky: Hey, there!
Paph: So, today’s entry is the Green Dragon. Insert your Kermit the Frog jokes now, kiddoes. Let me begin this shitshow.
Green dragons are bad tempered, mean, cruel, and rude.
Paph: What did I tell you about using a thesaurus, writer? You just said the same thing four different ways. It’d be like if I called someone “smelly, odious, stinking, and putrid”.
They hate goodness and good-aligned creatures. They love intrigue and seek to enslave other woodland creatures, killing those who cannot be controlled or intimidated.
Paph: “GRRRR, HOW DARE HE DONATE TO CHARITY AND FEED STARVING ORPHANS! JUST TO MAKE IT WORSE, HE RESOLVED A CONFLICT WITHOUT KILLING A SINGLE PERSON! I NEED LIES AND DEATH TO SUSTAIN ME!” — A Green D&D dragon, aka your average Republican
Marky: Marky approves.
Web 1.0 Pages about Dragons - S.W.O.R.D.
Ahhhh, the 90’s and early 2000’s.
A mythical golden age of the internet, before it was consolidated to 5 or 6 platforms.
Back when content wasn’t a homogeneous stew of nonsensical memes, assholes running around in traffic, performative outrage, and manchildren screaming at video games. When the internet was a wild frontier, where anything and everything went.
This bygone internet was not unlike the biblical Garden of Eden, except that it actually existed.
I figured I’d take a break from dissecting D&D to talk about a particular page from this bygone era.
By total coincidence, it happens to be about dragons.
If you wanna browse along with me, here’s a link:
http://www.angelfire.com/realm2/dragonpaws/
The name of this website is:
S.W.O.R.D.
Special World of Regal Dragons.
Y’know, opposed to the commoner or the bourgeois dragons.
A mythical golden age of the internet, before it was consolidated to 5 or 6 platforms.
Back when content wasn’t a homogeneous stew of nonsensical memes, assholes running around in traffic, performative outrage, and manchildren screaming at video games. When the internet was a wild frontier, where anything and everything went.
This bygone internet was not unlike the biblical Garden of Eden, except that it actually existed.
I figured I’d take a break from dissecting D&D to talk about a particular page from this bygone era.
By total coincidence, it happens to be about dragons.
If you wanna browse along with me, here’s a link:
http://www.angelfire.com/realm2/dragonpaws/
The name of this website is:
S.W.O.R.D.
Special World of Regal Dragons.
Y’know, opposed to the commoner or the bourgeois dragons.
Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Blue
Alright! It’s time for me to dispel any stereotypes these chucklefucks had about my kind. I guarantee you, no matter what they spout, it’s alllllll gonna be bullshit.
Blue dragons are extremely territorial and voracious.
I mean, I don’t eat that many people, come on.
They love to spend long hours preparing ambushes for herd animals and unwary travelers, and they spend equally long hours dwelling on their success and admiring their trophies.
*looks at his well-polished hoard of handsome males and intruders he’s turned to gold*
Oh, dammit.
Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Black
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| Crappy gif quality, because that's the only scan I could find of this damned thing! |
Black dragons are abusive, quick to anger, and resent intrusions of any kind. They like dismal surroundings, heavy vegetation, and prefer darkness to daylight. Although not as intelligent as other dragons, black dragons are instinctively cunning and malevolent.
*facepalm*
I should’ve expected no less from the same book that has drow in it. Gotta love that they specify “not as intelligent”, in addition to them being angry and violent.
Also, “resent intrusions of any kind”? That’s, uh, basically everyone. I doubt you’d be all that chipper, either, if someone broke into your house with the intent of killing you and stealing your shit.
At birth, a black dragon's scales are thin, small, and glossy. But as the dragon ages, its scales become larger, thicker, and duller, which helps it camouflage itself in swamps and marshes.
Huhhhh…
Grumpy asshole who lives in a swamp, can’t stand intruders…
It’s official, anyone playing a black dragon is required by law to do them in a Scottish accent.
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