Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Sapphire Dragon

You know, one of these days, I'll pick an image size for these things and stick with it. Maybe. Probably not.

Anyway, this guy not only looks emaciated, but he’s also got a bit of what I assume is an acne problem.

Sapphire wasn’t my favorite Pokémon, honestly. The remakes, though, kicked ass.

Kidding aside, after the shitfest that I had to play for my last post, I needed something to detox from all that garbage.

Yes, I’m turning to this for comfort. Despite how much I continually rag on their writing, I actually love the 2e Monster Manual entries so goddamned much. They’re so fucking dumb, they’re endless fun to rip into.

Windows Shareware Disk Showcase: Ultimate House of Games for Windows, Part 2

Here we go again, back with more shareware games to tear into!

Klotz:

Ooh, “Klotz”, huh? Sounds like a puzzle game. I wonder what new and exciting concept this will bring!

It’s another motherfucking Tetris clone.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Emerald Dragon

The hell is this guy smiling about? It’s less like the Amethyst’s “smug asshole” smile, and more like “I’m going to flay you alive and turn your skin into a jacket”.

They wanna play with mah ehmowuld? They playin' with the wrong guy! I wanted to make a joke about them being Chaotic Emeralds, but the spoilsports who wrote this made them Lawful. Boo.

Anyway, turns out I made a massive miscalculation in my NaNoWriMo wordcount, and realized I actually had way more done than I thought. Meaning, I had way more time to actually write this. And since I pop these babies out faster than EA popped out Madden sequels, this’ll be a cinch.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Crystal Dragon

Well, Halloween has come and gone, and now we’re left with the rest of the Gem Dragons to cover.

Hopefully, the Amethyst dragon was the worst of them.

Crystal dragons are the friendliest of the gem dragons, always curious about the world. Though they seldom seek out company, they willingly converse with visitors who do not try to steal from them.

Okay, so friendly yet introverted. That’s… a massive step up from the Amethyst. Also, basically just me.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Dracolich

Get your "boner" jokes out the way, kids.

I know what you’re thinking “Paph, why the hell are you suddenly springing the Dracolich on us in the middle of the section on Gem Dragons?”

One, I needed something metal to purge all the bougieness from my system. Two, it’s Halloween, so what better time to bring in this fucker? Three, Dracolich’s entry actually comes before “Dragon, General”, so technically this whole order I’ve been doing things in was a sham from the beginning.

So, About Jareth's Backstory...

So, the internet being what it is, I see a lot of hypotheses on certain aspects of Labyrinth's backstory.

Or, rather, I see the same hypothesis popping up in myriad forms. You know the one, Sarah is the latest in a long line of Sarahs because Jareth is a lunatic who keeps going after girls with the same name because he has some bullshit tragic past involving a girl named Sarah.

After all, everyone acts like they expected Sarah, so surely this has happened before, right? No.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Amethyst

Look at this assclown. This is the face of someone who sniffs his farts and likes it.

What, you thought we’d be getting on to the Metallics, now that the Chromatics are done?

Well, so did I, but the Monstrous Manual had other ideas.

Amethyst dragons are wise and regal, with a detached air, and ignore what they consider to be petty squabbles between good and evil, law and chaos.
“Mmmm, yes, I see. A band of stalwarts out to vanquish Lord Mr. Kill. How trite. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must get back to my readings of Orson. D. Olaf’s Aviagientienusybeleopatiearium Cycle. What, you haven’t heard of it? Of course you haven’t.”

When hatched, amethyst dragons have lavender skin with small scales of a light, translucent purple.
Good grief, they’re so bourgeois that even their underskin isn’t red, it’s lavender.