Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Bronze Dragon

The sexy overbite is sadly marred by the wall-eyed face and weird spiked nostrils.

Bronze dragons are inquisitive and fond of humans and demi-humans.

“Inquisitive” is almost never a good sign, when 2e is involved.

They enjoy polymorphing into small, friendly animals so they can unobtrusively observe humans and demi-humans, especially adventurers.

So, they’re pretty much they’re pretty much the squirrels you see in any given overhead shot of our characters in a forest. No, seriously, look at any of those scenes again; those fuckers? Secretly bronze dragons.

Bronze dragons thrive on simple challenges such as riddles and harmless contests.

Just don’t challenge ‘em to a peeing-for-distance contest. The local wildlife will avoid that place for weeks.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Brass Dragon

The top of this guy’s head looks like either a roast chicken, or a pair of asscheeks.

Awright! And now, we’re FINALLY done with those motherfucking gem dragons. Hope the door didn’t hit ‘em on the way out.

I could take this opportunity to make a joke about this next batch of dragons being “METAL AS FUUUUUUCK”, but given what I know going in, we’ve already left the only dragons who’d fit that description behind.

Brass dragons are great talkers, but not particularly good conversationalists.

As an autistic person, I identify way too goddamned much with that statement.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Topaz Dragon

This thing looks like a weird, malformed bat, from a distance. At least he’s properly tubby, though.

Finally, finally, finally we’re at the last of these fucking gem dragons. Thus far, the gems have occupied a strange middle ground between the unrepentant puppy-kicking Disney villains that are the Chromatics, and the “good” (from self-righteous pricks to irritating asshats that really have no business being exclusively good aligned) Metallics.

Topaz dragons are unfriendly and selfish.

Looks like this guy’s very much leaning towards the “asshole” side of that spectrum.

Rambling About Angels With Scaly Wings

I don’t really have an apt illustration for any of the points I’m going to be making, so have a Remy I drew for giggles. Full size: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/33759932/

I was considering doing a retrospective post of some kind, but I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to write. Nobody’s making me do one, so sorry if you were expecting that.

Anyway, here’s a post I’ve had on the backburner for a while, about one of my favorite games. This post leans more towards the “critical analysis” side of copy, rather than a true review.

If you’re looking for a review, here it is:

This game is flawed, but truly special and charming. Go play it.

Now, with that out of the way, if you haven’t played this game already, skip this post entirely and go do it.

I mean it. The article won’t even make sense if you aren’t familiar with the game.

SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRE GAME

I’M DEAD SERIOUS, READ NO FURTHER THAN THE JUMP IF YOU DON’T WANT THIS GAME’S MANY SURPRISES RUINED FOR YOU.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Sapphire Dragon

You know, one of these days, I'll pick an image size for these things and stick with it. Maybe. Probably not.

Anyway, this guy not only looks emaciated, but he’s also got a bit of what I assume is an acne problem.

Sapphire wasn’t my favorite Pokémon, honestly. The remakes, though, kicked ass.

Kidding aside, after the shitfest that I had to play for my last post, I needed something to detox from all that garbage.

Yes, I’m turning to this for comfort. Despite how much I continually rag on their writing, I actually love the 2e Monster Manual entries so goddamned much. They’re so fucking dumb, they’re endless fun to rip into.

Windows Shareware Disk Showcase: Ultimate House of Games for Windows, Part 2

Here we go again, back with more shareware games to tear into!

Klotz:

Ooh, “Klotz”, huh? Sounds like a puzzle game. I wonder what new and exciting concept this will bring!

It’s another motherfucking Tetris clone.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Emerald Dragon

The hell is this guy smiling about? It’s less like the Amethyst’s “smug asshole” smile, and more like “I’m going to flay you alive and turn your skin into a jacket”.

They wanna play with mah ehmowuld? They playin' with the wrong guy! I wanted to make a joke about them being Chaotic Emeralds, but the spoilsports who wrote this made them Lawful. Boo.

Anyway, turns out I made a massive miscalculation in my NaNoWriMo wordcount, and realized I actually had way more done than I thought. Meaning, I had way more time to actually write this. And since I pop these babies out faster than EA popped out Madden sequels, this’ll be a cinch.