Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Silver Dragon

I'm certain I've seen this guy on a metal album co- wait, did I already say that? *checks* Not exactly, at least not in THIS series.

Alrighty, Silver Dragon time, here we go!

Silver dragons are kind and helpful. They will cheerfully assist good creatures if their need is genuine. They often take the forms of kindly old men or fair damsels when associating with people.

Silver dragons are known to turn into silver foxes on occasion.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Gold Dragon

I could swear I've seen this guy on the side of some Chinese restaurant.

For some reason, I was under the impression we’d be doing Silvers first, despite this book listing them all in alphabetical order.

Anyway, today we’ll be covering the resident noodle dragons!

Gold dragons are wise, judicious, and benevolent. They often embark on self-appointed quests to promote goodness, and are not easily distracted from them. They hate injustice and foul play.

And, as you can see, it’s every stereotype about Eastern dragons compounded with D&D’s usual crusader shit. Still, it’s nice to have a powerful “good” guy actually being proactive in a setting like this.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Copper Dragon

Doesn’t he just look jolly?

For the record, I’m still working on the rest of the UHoG series, but when you have to write a blog post that’s nothing but a bunch of reviews of dad games, I think you can understand my lack of enthusiasm.

I’m sure there’s an ACAB joke you guys can make, but you’ll want to save it for later. Possibly a lot later, but trust me. It’ll be worth it.

Copper dragons are incorrigible pranksters, joke tellers, and riddlers.
Prankster + D&D 2e = Oh Gosh’s fucking beer gut.

Yes, it’s the “Just a prank, bro!” dragon, in all his glory.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Bronze Dragon

The sexy overbite is sadly marred by the wall-eyed face and weird spiked nostrils.

Bronze dragons are inquisitive and fond of humans and demi-humans.

“Inquisitive” is almost never a good sign, when 2e is involved.

They enjoy polymorphing into small, friendly animals so they can unobtrusively observe humans and demi-humans, especially adventurers.

So, they’re pretty much they’re pretty much the squirrels you see in any given overhead shot of our characters in a forest. No, seriously, look at any of those scenes again; those fuckers? Secretly bronze dragons.

Bronze dragons thrive on simple challenges such as riddles and harmless contests.

Just don’t challenge ‘em to a peeing-for-distance contest. The local wildlife will avoid that place for weeks.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Brass Dragon

The top of this guy’s head looks like either a roast chicken, or a pair of asscheeks.

Awright! And now, we’re FINALLY done with those motherfucking gem dragons. Hope the door didn’t hit ‘em on the way out.

I could take this opportunity to make a joke about this next batch of dragons being “METAL AS FUUUUUUCK”, but given what I know going in, we’ve already left the only dragons who’d fit that description behind.

Brass dragons are great talkers, but not particularly good conversationalists.

As an autistic person, I identify way too goddamned much with that statement.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Topaz Dragon

This thing looks like a weird, malformed bat, from a distance. At least he’s properly tubby, though.

Finally, finally, finally we’re at the last of these fucking gem dragons. Thus far, the gems have occupied a strange middle ground between the unrepentant puppy-kicking Disney villains that are the Chromatics, and the “good” (from self-righteous pricks to irritating asshats that really have no business being exclusively good aligned) Metallics.

Topaz dragons are unfriendly and selfish.

Looks like this guy’s very much leaning towards the “asshole” side of that spectrum.

Rambling About Angels With Scaly Wings

I don’t really have an apt illustration for any of the points I’m going to be making, so have a Remy I drew for giggles. Full size: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/33759932/

I was considering doing a retrospective post of some kind, but I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to write. Nobody’s making me do one, so sorry if you were expecting that.

Anyway, here’s a post I’ve had on the backburner for a while, about one of my favorite games. This post leans more towards the “critical analysis” side of copy, rather than a true review.

If you’re looking for a review, here it is:

This game is flawed, but truly special and charming. Go play it.

Now, with that out of the way, if you haven’t played this game already, skip this post entirely and go do it.

I mean it. The article won’t even make sense if you aren’t familiar with the game.

SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRE GAME

I’M DEAD SERIOUS, READ NO FURTHER THAN THE JUMP IF YOU DON’T WANT THIS GAME’S MANY SURPRISES RUINED FOR YOU.