Windows Shareware Disk Showcase: Ultimate House of Games for Windows, Part 1

It's been a while since my last vidya game post, hasn't it? Well, that's what happens when you write a blog where anything goes. You know, I think I should make that my blog's subtitle: The Blog of Anything Goes.

By now, I’m sure any 21st century Earthlings reading these posts have a few questions. Like, why do I have such a nostalgia for all this crap that became obsolete centuries before I was born? Let me explain.

See, in the aftermath of the Fusion, one of the ways the two worlds started getting to know each other was by trade. The most vital commodity we traded was knowledge.

As we grew to learn each other’s languages and cultures, we taught each other what we knew. It started, of course, with things like what was safe to eat, how to prepare it, and how to make antivenom for that nasty yophakhi sting.

Once we got that part down, we got technological. Earth taught us about things like electronics and rocket science, and we taught them what we know about medicine, biology, and how to use the Art of Change.

One convenient stepping-stone in our wrangling of Earth tech was to buy older, simpler examples of it and the documentation thereof in order to dissect and reconstruct it with our own methods.

Thus, over the next few decades, we began our climb when it came to melding the arts of electronics and transmutation. Our climb was much faster, for we had the shoulders of giants as footholds.

And that’s why my first computer was one of these fucking things.

Even the art of transmutation can’t make this thing less shitty. Photo belongs to one Clicsouris (CC BY-SA 3.0). https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Musee_de_l'Informatique_-_Exposition_25_ans_du_Mac_16.jpg

Back in the days when they were still replacing the old infrastructure for the internet, shareware disks got a new lease on life. Only ones I remember personally having as a ‘net were the eGames Galaxy ones, though.

Thankfully, since Archive.org’s servers weathered those decades like a champ, I can dig around and find some more of that good ol’ late 20th century crustiness. With a VM in tow, let’s take a trip back in time.

You’ve seen the Silver Surfer, now witness the might of the Silicon… uh, Sucker.

The one we’ll be looking at today is called Ultimate House of Games for Windows.

8 Outrageous Things Cracked Would Say if it Were a Person

“Wanna hear a joke? Everyone hates you because of 5 little things you do every day.”

“The all-lesbian Back to the Future remake isn’t even out yet, and people are already whining that it looks bad. They’re only saying that because it deals with serious social justice issues, and anyone who criticizes the trailer is a whiny incel Nazi baby.”

“Oprah Winfrey fucks pigs. This is fact.”

“The all-lesbian Back to the Future remake is a shallow film full of empty pandering to social justice without actually grasping the principles behind the things it claims to support.”

“Thomas Edison’s first lightbulb was powered by kicked puppies.”

“The Little Mermaid is bourgeois propaganda made to appease the working class.”

“In the future, we’ll have mind-reading implants, and find even more reasons to hate each other.”

“Wanna hear 7 totally disgusting things people in the 1700s did with miscarried babies?”

Alt Text

Alt text, the one feature we all love to hate. Or maybe we just hate it. It's an anal-retentive's worst nightmare, to say the least.

It'd be such an aggravation, if I included it.

And yet, on the other hand, the feature is just there, taunting me.

"Use me, you coward!" it cries out.

"But, I don't dare betray my readership!" I protest. "Were I to include alt text, my readers would have a moment of crisis. I've hidden something from them, and now that they understand this, they'll be compelled to go back and find every single alt text. And Gosh help them if I do it inconsistently. Like, if I only put in one Alt Text every so often, and then they check them only to repeatedly find there's nothing there. Then, they stop checking, only for me to finally include one. AS A CONSCIENTIOUS PERSON, I CANNOT CONDONE THIS!"

"Paph, that's an entire paragraph you wrote in quotes. Please get help."

And that's why I'll now list every Alt Text I ever write for this blog here in this post, from now on.

[None yet. Watch this space! ... Or don't.]

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Red

This guy looks less like a red scaled dragon, and more like a scaleless with a really bad sunburn.

So, let’s be real about this one.

Red dragons, in D&D, are just Smaug.

There’s really nothing else to it, they’re just Smaug, right down to the fire-breathing, greed, and ego.

After we’ve explored dragons that have the power to control BEES, desert dragons with camouflage that makes more sense than I thought it did (see my amendment to that post), and nature-loving dragons who literally enslave their natural enemies, just plain ol’ Smaug is gonna seem a little dull by comparison.

Red dragons are the most covetous and greedy of all dragons, forever seeking to increase their treasure hoards.

Isn’t that all of us?

13 Game Print Ads Nobody Else Talks About

So, I read Cassidy’s Top Five Worst Games Print Ads, and my brain said “Paph! You’ve gotta do a post about print ads!"

I told my brain, “But everyone does that! Between bad video game covers and commercials, print ads are the most commonly-mocked target on the internet. If nothing else, I strive not to be redundant. There’s nothing new I could add to the plethora of 'Top Worst' lists out there.”

My brain said “Oh. But, Paph, you’ve gotta write about print ads!”

Well, I couldn’t argue with that logic. So, I started digging to see if there were any interesting ones that nobody’s talked about. Note that these aren’t the “top” of any kind of ads, nor are all of them bad. As long as they’re remarkable in some way, they belong here.

Many of these scans come from VGMuseum (http://www.vgmuseum.com/ads). Special thanks go to Oli, AnakinVdr, gfrankwick, and Mek.

* Cuthbert Enters the Tombs of Doom (Commodore 64)

Ahhhh, C64 video game box art. The fun thing about computer games back then was, anyone could make them; the only barrier to entry was finding a publisher. There was also no barrier of entry when it came to package art.

Let's Dissect the 2e Monster Manual's Dragons - Green

This one kind of looks like a screwed-up crocodile. Not nearly as funny as the 1e illustration I found.

Look at what a happy dork this guy is. "A-hyuck, howdy there, adventurerers! Imma swallow you whole, now!"

So, for this episode, I have a guest! Introducing my bro, Marky.

Marky: Hey, there!

Paph: So, today’s entry is the Green Dragon. Insert your Kermit the Frog jokes now, kiddoes. Let me begin this shitshow.

Green dragons are bad tempered, mean, cruel, and rude.
Paph: What did I tell you about using a thesaurus, writer? You just said the same thing four different ways. It’d be like if I called someone “smelly, odious, stinking, and putrid”.

They hate goodness and good-aligned creatures. They love intrigue and seek to enslave other woodland creatures, killing those who cannot be controlled or intimidated.
Paph: “GRRRR, HOW DARE HE DONATE TO CHARITY AND FEED STARVING ORPHANS! JUST TO MAKE IT WORSE, HE RESOLVED A CONFLICT WITHOUT KILLING A SINGLE PERSON! I NEED LIES AND DEATH TO SUSTAIN ME!” — A Green D&D dragon, aka your average Republican

Marky: Marky approves.

Web 1.0 Pages about Dragons - S.W.O.R.D.

Ahhhh, the 90’s and early 2000’s.

A mythical golden age of the internet, before it was consolidated to 5 or 6 platforms.

Back when content wasn’t a homogeneous stew of nonsensical memes, assholes running around in traffic, performative outrage, and manchildren screaming at video games. When the internet was a wild frontier, where anything and everything went.

This bygone internet was not unlike the biblical Garden of Eden, except that it actually existed.

I figured I’d take a break from dissecting D&D to talk about a particular page from this bygone era.

By total coincidence, it happens to be about dragons.

If you wanna browse along with me, here’s a link:

http://www.angelfire.com/realm2/dragonpaws/

The name of this website is:

S.W.O.R.D.

Special World of Regal Dragons.



Y’know, opposed to the commoner or the bourgeois dragons.