A whole year, only two posts?

 Holy shit.

Well, I know what my resolution for this year's gonna be... Actually, no, stop. See, if I suddenly promise you that I'll be more productive on this blog next year, that means this blog will fizzle out of existence.

No, there's only one way to ensure this blog's continued existence. Is it perseverance, introspection, a reevaluation of why I'm doing this, and where I want to take the blog from here?

Pfft, fuck no! It's time for a blood sacrifice.

That's right, we’re doin’ this shit Aztec style: to nourish the lifeblood of this blog, I'm going to look through previous entries, and ritualistically slaughter an entity described in one of the posts. First, I’m going to round up some potential candidates for the slaughter, and each one is going to make its case as to why I should let them live another day.

BRING FORTH THE FIRST CANDIDATE!

THE SILICON SUCKER!

: Wh-where am I? Who are you?

: You’re in the abstract imaginary space this blog constitutes, and I’m the dragon who’s going to see what color your insides are unless you make a very convincing case as to why I shouldn’t. And before you say it, “please, sir, I have three kids!” is an instant disqualification.
: My fellow superheroes will find you and skin you alive, lizard lips!
: Yeah, see, if they’re gonna do that, they’ll do it regardless of whether you’re still alive by the time they get here. Also, you’re a shitty piece of clipart I found on a shareware disc. Nobody’s coming for you.
Now, in the interest of making things a tad more interesting to read, let’s have you answer some general questions about whether and why you’d be worth a crap. First question: what do you do, exactly?
: I fly through all of space on my Surfer CD, bringing the all the fun and excitement of mid-90’s shareware to all lifeforms in the galaxy!
: … You don’t say. Well, you do at least provide some half-decent material for the blog, so that’s a point in your favor.
: I also volunteer at the soup kitchen on Tuesdays, and perform at fundraisers for orphans.
: Oh, well, that’s cool too, I guess. So, why do they call you the Silicon Sucker, anyway?
: Because you named me that, apparently? You tell me.
: Well, you ride around on a giant CD, so…
: You do realize that has nothing to do with silicon, right? CDs are made of plastic. With some aluminum.
: Yeah, well I spent a whole five seconds coming up with your name, so don’t say I never did anything for ya (man, I should’ve called you the Plastic Patsy).
: You’re going to kill me, and you don’t even know why you made up the stupid name I’m now stuck with.
: Watch it, buddy, or you’ll have Aluminum Asshole written on your tombstone.
Wasn’t that fantastic, folks? No? Well, soap on a rope for you, because there’s more where he came from! 

BRING FORTH THE SECOND CANDIDATE!

THAT GODAWFUL ANTLION THING FROM SONIC 2 8-BIT!

: Alright, so for having cockblocked my wyrmling self from having experienced the rest of Sonic 2 8-bit for years and years, you’re already hanging by a thread. Said thread consists entirely of toilet paper, reinforced by dessicated pig shit and what scant good will I have left towards you. We know what you are and what you do, so tell me why I should spare you.

: Hhhhhyoooooouuuu were not ready for the hhhhooooorrrrorrrssss of Ssssssoonnnnic 2 8-bittttt… Your feeble, young mind, too fffffffragile. Only the whhhhhhhhhhorthy may pass through and learn the sssssssssecretssss of thissssss game…

: Or, they could just play the Master System version.
: Orrrrr tthhhhhhatt, ttoooooooo…
: You know, Antlion, for all the frustration you caused me back in the day, you’re kind of pathetic. You don’t even directly attack me, you just… lie there, and hope I fuck up my jumps enough to maybe land in your maw. Hell, even your own creator gets so fed-up with your existence that he just ends you on the spot.
: … End meeeeee…
: If I did? I might just be doing you a favor.
Well, that one was brief. Kind of pathetic and existentially terrifying to think about, too.

BRING FORTH THE NEXT CANDIDATE!

A MALATHAR GIF!

: … What? Hell no, I could never do anything to hurt li’l Malathar. Someone escort him out of here, I don’t want him seeing the carnage. BRING FORTH THE ACTUAL NEXT CANDIDATE!

ASHER THE GENOCIDE DRAGON!

: … You know what? I was gonna conduct an interview, but I’m pretty sure I know who I’m slaughtering, now.

: Wait, I didn’t even get to-!

: ALALALALALALA WHAT’S THAT, I CAN’T FUCKING HEAR YOU COMMENCE THE RITUAL SACRIFICE

*distant war criminal screams*

: Well, with that, hopefully my will to write more for this blog will have returned! Maybe! I dunno! Asher is dead either way, and I can’t honestly say that’s anything but a net positive.
See y’all next year!